my struggle.

I've been mulling over the handful of possibilites that have been laid out before me in the last few weeks, trying to fit the pieces together....to no avail.

Everything surrounding me want me to "grow up" get the "real" job, move out, take on a few more financial responsibilities...live the American dream.

And yet i cant bring myself to it. I dont want to "settle down." Every part of "settle down" makes me want to run in the opposite direction. "Settle down"makes me think of blue-grey walls of a cubicle, more financial responsibility, stuffy dress clothes.

Bah. I dont want this life. I want a life full of adventure, wonder, risk.

In the words of Mike Yaconelli "I want a lifetime of Holy moments. Every day I want to be in dangerous proximity to Jesus. I long for a life that explodes with meaning and is fuled with adventure, wonder, risk, danger. I long for faith that is gloriously treacherous. I want to be with Jesus, not knowing whether to cry or laugh."

I just think it would be harder to have this life with the financial burden of a new car, rent payment, and within the confines of a cubical and stuffy dress clothes.

Nothing to wear...

I had the most frustrating morning.

I was getting ready for church, and I just couldn't find anything to wear. And I felt myself go into that mindset of bah, I don't HAVE anything to wear. I had to have tried on a bazillion things and i just was getting more and more frustrated.

I do in fact have LOTS of things to wear, as is now evident by the mess of rejected clothes options that are strewn about my room. I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into the mire of not "having" anything good enough to be worn.

It was the worst kind of frustrating because it was my own thoughts and actions that made it frustrating. No one was on my case or significantly annoying to me. It was all me.

So I walked away from the situation in order for it to avoid getting worse, and realized... I have PLENTY to wear...how dare I think I have nothing. I dont know what it means to have nothing...

the long way home.

I took the long way home from church today.
Close friends of mine would roll their eyes at that statement.

The mini adventure landed me up on this wooded road through a somewhat forest preserve-y area. The road hadn't been plowed since the latest snow storm, and I faded the morning worship mix on Shine.fm to soft background noise as the last street I turned off of faded in the rear view mirror and the road ahead seemingly dead-ended with a fierce curve to the left. The canopy of trees overhead allowing the glimmer of the sun trickle through. I rolled down the window a bit to catch the crisp cool air.

I allowed myself to get caught up there. To sit back, breathe deep, and let the moment wash over me. I noticed I had stopped in the middle of the road, but I didn't care. I sat there for a few moments in quiet conversation with the Lord. Mulling over the happenings of the last couple weeks. I shed a few tears and reminded myself dinner would be waiting when I got home.
I opted to turn around, unusual for me. Generally these adventures only go forward. Unless of course I've reached a dead end. As I was turning around in the middle of the road my eye caught on to the footprints in the snow, and I let my eye trace them briefly as they lead back into the woods.

I was only a bit down the road when I noticed it. I stopped, and caught my breath. A family of deer, feeding just a few feet into the woods. I watched them interact, as slowly one by one they noticed my presence. I considered for a moment getting out of the car and attempting to approach them, but quickly dismissed it remembering I was in "church attire" and that they were so peaceful there. It was truly beautiful.

I let myself get lost there once more. In the middle of the road. No one around but this family of deer. And then I continued home, where dinner was waiting.

***

For as long as I can remember having my drivers licence, I've had these sort of driving adventures. In retrospect it was probably my own piece of freedom in a very parental controlled life. Sometimes I would drive out of frustration, or out of rebellion, but mainly just out of the desire to get away, wind down, think things through. Much of my best "think time" has happened while driving somewhere. Many of my "crisis" moments were followed up by going for a drive. Sometimes I'd invite others in to this sacred time of mine, but mostly it was just me and God. There's something incredibly enjoyable to me in discovering new places, seeing new things, exploring uncharted territory (at least to me) and in taking the long way home.

Welcome to my "real" blog.

So i'm becomming an "adult." I'm not really sure what that means.
Apparently it involves starting a "real" blog (unlike the fake one I had before).
Welcome to my "real" blog.
Word.