life.

I was on my way home Saturday night when something nearly tragic, nearly awful, nearly catastrophic happend.

I was in a car with some friends on the way back from the north side...it was rainy, icey, and well conditions werent really condusive to easy driving. It came out of no where, we had full control....and then didnt. Just like that. Mid-conversation, abrupt, out of no where.
We were spiraling out of control.

Oddly enough I wasnt scared. I just closed my eyes and waited for it to be over, peaking only to notice we were headed in a completely different direction then we were moments before. The entire thing only lasted probably 15 seconds, and just like that we were back in the lane we had been in initially, and on our way once again.

I'm thankful there was no one immediately surrounding us on the highway at that moment.
I'm thankful that God knows how to get our attention, and yet protects us from harm.
I'm thankful for life.

take me to your leader.

I started leading thing at a very young age. I'm not sure how old you are when you're in the 5th grade, but it was in the 5th grade. It's possible I had taken the role as 'leader' prior to the 5th grade, but it was then that I can remember physically leading something.

I wish I could say its been all uphill since then...but the reality is that leading is something I have done really well, and have failed miserably at. I have led in a wide array of capacities from youth rallies and missions trips to simply challenging the thinking of others and standing up for whats right...even if it wasn't easy.

In the last year or two (since the fall after college) I have intentionally not led anything...outright. It was the end of a crazy time in life where I literally went from one big event to another, leading this and running that moving here and living there. In many ways I had lost sight of who I was and where I came from....and more importantly where I was going.

So I moved home, hung out, practiced being instead of doing and finally dealt with some old hurts and wounds. It has been beautiful. I've reconnected with many old friends, and picked up some new ones. I became apart of this community of 20somethings at a church I now belong to....which was a HUGE step for me. I've pulled pieces of my experiences over the last few years and discovered how intimately they are connected and define this story I'm living in.

Over the last few months I find myself in the midst of these 'things' coming up, leadership opportunities. Like life is moving again, and if I don't watch out I'll soon be spinning faster and faster with all these things making me "busy." But I'm realizing this sense of maturity within me. Wiser choices and a stronger connect with the one who created me to lead.

I was going to lead this trip, and am now I'm not, but in preparation for the trip I was reading this book, Spiritual Leadership...by Oswald....something-or-other. It has been good for me. To sit and think about leadership, and not get thrown into it. And if I have discovered one thing during this time since I've been home, its that I was created to lead.

Lead what...I'm not sure, but I know where to start. Right where I'm planted.

defining moment

Its an interesting moment in life when you can see up ahead on the path you are walking a defining moment. A moment which will alter the way you do things. That what you look like now is going to look vastly different in the next few days, weeks, months, years. Somtimes its one moment that you immedialtely see the effects of. Soemtimes its a series of things.

I think its even more interesting when you can see these things approach someone you care deeply for. And despite how much it might also effect your life, it is nothing in comparison to what it is going to do in theirs.

I dont know if these things are better off being unexepected, or if its easier to see them approaching. I suppose the thought would be that if you can see them comming you can prepare yourself for them. And yet, there are some things that I just dont know if you can prepare for.

I'm excited and anxious, yet nervious and wary.
I'm not sure if I'm ready for this, but it doesnt matter if I am ready.

be still my beating heart.

moral compass or creator of the universe?

I decided to run some errands after dinner tonight and as I made a right turn out of my street towards the West I found myself staring directly into the most beautiful sunset I've seen in a long time. The sun was just touching the horizon and was the biggest round fiery orange ball I've ever seen. I wondered to myself if its possible for the sun to be bigger on certain days then others. I shrugged it off for a google search later and sat back and smiled in amazement at God's creation.

I'm realizing more and more lately a tragic downfall of American Christianity is the fact that God is no longer depicted as the creator of the universe but more or less a moral compass by which we guide our lives. I've found myself in more then one conversation in recent weeks which i was so discouraged by my realization that people i used to look to for guidance, and sometimes still do, weren't in fact the on fire Christians I thought they were, but rather good people with good morals and good intentions.

This is a struggle of mine. Add it too my list of frustrations with American Christianity I suppose. Regardless I'm sick of stuffy churches filled with good people. God never intended for us to keep him in a box with a steeple. My heart yearns for these people to see that God doesn't care about all these rules and regulations. To open their eyes to the fact that he created the universe and each of us. That we weren't created to live comfortable little lives, constantly pushing to get ahead and have better things. We were created to have a relationship with this Creator and to let him work and move through us. If we would just stop asking God to "bless" this or that, and realize he already HAS blessed us; and start thanking him for the opportunities he has given us. My how things would be different.

It saddens my heart to know that close friends, even family of mine don't "get" this. That in the end I'm not sure if they have this relationship with their creator or instead have this moral compass which is deeply lacking something...

Alergens

I've had pretty bad allergies/asthma most of my life. As a kid i remember getting shots once a week for this. Then there was the "voodoo"Dr. as my mom calls him who gave us this natural remedy that you held under your tongue for a little while. That seemed to do the trick, and alas no more shots. It was a win win.

As i grew up my allergies seemed to ease up a bit, which was happy. During certain high allergy seasons I would just take some medicine and all was well. It was well at least while I was on my Dad's insurance which covered most every prescription. Now however my insurance doesn't cover prescriptions and last time i filled this particular one it cost me $125. BAH. Needless to say I use it as sparingly as possible, and often push the limits.

This weekend I pushed the limit. I knew it was warming up, trees were budding, grass is starting to grow. And to top it off, I was hanging out in some particularly smoky atmospheres this weekend. Needless to say I could hardly open my eyes this morning and when I did all they did was tear up and water. My head was pounding and overall I felt like i got hit by a train. I quickly popped some pills but it took me most of the morning and a good nap before I really feel like myself again.

None of this is particularly life threatening...more frustrating. I generally am a healthy person. I'm pretty good at making it through the winter without catching what everyone else's got. I know when to take the vitamin C in order to ward off infection. I haven't been to the Dr. in 2 years and even then it was for a trip i was going on...not because I was sick. And now as the winter finally starts warming up...I'm in bed sleeping off allergy symptoms. Grr.

I suppose I just feel like its something I cant control. I can do my part to not get sick, be healthy, etc. But when the Allergies attack...its all downhill.

terrible two's

Its quite ironic to me that all of MY plans for the next 6 months have, over the last month, fizzled out or moved to the back burner. Ironic? perhaps not so much. I cant help but feel frustrated, and upset as suddenly the opportunities that I didn't really want to be involved with are really the only realistic happenings left.
I hate when this happens, especially when my reaction to most of it is no better then the one a two year old has when she doesn't get her way. Though there is no physical tantrum involving high pitched screaming and flailing limbs... there is a bit of pouting, and in my head I really do want to stomp about until i get my way.
In the end, I'm not to sure what I'm more frustrated over the fact that I don't get to do what I want to do, or how foolish my response was.
Someday hopefully I'll mature from this stage.

rain.

It has been raining. A LOT. I generally like rain. Its refreshing, rejuvinating. Sort of washing away the old to make room for the new. I think its a good sign spring is on its way soon as well.

Lets hope Spring is on its way.

static and XM radio

There are some days that I think I'm really in tune with what God has going on.
Then...there are other days.

Today was an other day.
hmph.

I was sitting in my car at a stop light and the radio faded out, and went to that fuzzy static sound where you can only hear bits and pieces of the song you were just singing aloud to. And then it starts breaking into bits and pieces of a different song, or DJ talking. And then if you're lucky, you get all three at once; the song you were jamming to, the fuzzy static, and another station starting to come in....perhaps not so lucky.

I think sometimes my faith is like this. Like I'm really getting into the song God's got playing, and then enters the static. And I'm sitting there going WHAAAT. Sometimes I already know the song and can finish it out regardless of the static. Other times the static takes over, and then I get distracted by the "other voice" and it gets more and more difficult to decipher which song was the one you were actually listening to. These times are alot more frustrating.

So as I was sitting at the stop light and the radio started fading out I inched forward. From past experience I know that sometimes its just a matter of inching forward a bit to catch those radio waves a little better. Leaning in and listening a bit harder.

Today i inched forward and all i got was more static.

I hear XM radio is nice. No static, more stations, endless listening options.
I wonder if my faith will ever become like XM radio.

closed doors and open windows.

So far 2009 has been full of unexpecited opportunities. I spent most of January sifting through the endless sands of opportunity and thought I had it all figured out, only for something to change...and have to start all over again.

Its been an awkward stage in life. When I run into old friends or family and am faced with the question what are you up to these days? Its a tricky question to answer, and the answer today may be vastly different then the one you'd get tomorrow. I'm very much not wishing this chapter in life to come to a close, just noting its vast differences from the previous chapters.

And now as February comes to a close and I thought I finally was getting a handle on it all.... a whole new wave of possibilites comes in and I'm left to sort through them. As the tide goes out with all the possibilites not grasped, I have mixed emotions....and secretly hope some of them reappear down the road.