i'm awake. yet again. in the middle of the night.
somethings up.
why is it that sometimes you need to be completely at your wits end before things start sinking in.. you'd think I'd learn.
In leiu of all this late night insomnia buisness, I started going through old journals, my old xanga this time. Sometimes It's encouraging to see where I've been, and that I'm not as crazy as I think I am...though in some cases crazier.
The point is. I found this. Posted across a few entries.
In so many ways I'm still waiting. At the train station.
****
Wed. June 17, 2007
I think its a scene from My Best Friends' Wedding...but i'm not sure....where they're sitting at a train station and one says to the other that life is like a train ride, and although you get off everyone else still moves on without you. And sometimes they just wished the train would stop, and they could get off for a while, and then get back on later...but you cant, the train leaves...
I feel like that...Life seems like such a blur lately. And the pressure is building to find a job and grow up and be an adult... And i dont want to. I'm becomming more and more afraid of me becomming a bum and watching as my friends all grow up and move on with life... And i just want to hang out, have fun...
And well. I wish the train would stop, and let me set and think about thigns for a while... And then move forward in the direction i was sure i was supposed to go. Cuz sometimes i'm not so sure, and decisions come my way, and need to be made quickly...and i just wonder sometimes...if i'm making the right ones...
***
Tues. May 13, 2008
About a year ago i prayed that my life would slow down. I had this dream i was at a train station and that everyone was rushing around getting on trains. Not me. I was saying my goodbyes, etc. and soon found myself sittting on a bench at the train station by myself.....waiting on my train. It always stinks being the last one. In the last few years on missions traveling I've purposly scheduled my departure flight as one of the earliest possible in order to not have to deal with the repeated goodbyes of friends. How ironic I am now sitting....at the train station....alone. Ironic that a year ago, I prayed for this. Ironic that now it might in fact drive me nutty.
I have no idea where i'm headed next. I pray that God give me a sneak peak. The opportunites are endless of course, but finding the right path. the one chosen and picked out for me. that's the one i want.
***
I'm pretty sure I'm still at the train station. The good news is I've got a lot of friends here now. We hang out, live life together. Watch the trains come in and go out. Sometimes a few of them leave, but only to be replaced by new friends. I know the station like the back of my hand, ask me any part of the train schedules and I know it. The sounds of the train is comforting to me as the never ending doors of opportunity open and close with every passing train. The bad news is, I have this growing inclination that I might need to get on one of the trains soon..
Monday, October 19, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
yo-yo
It’s been a few weeks now, and the sudden infatuation has diminished considerably, but about three weeks ago I was struck with this complete fascination with the yo-yo. I don’t know why. But all of a sudden all I wanted was a yo-yo. I didn’t run out and get one right away, letting the inkling settle for a few days all the while wondering, what’s my deal with the yo-yo.
I do this every once and a while, I’ll get an object in my head, or a picture and it just keeps coming to mind. I’ve learned long ago that usually it has some other significance than just a frivolous thought or the need for a new toy. So I started thinking on it….what’s up with the yo-yo? What does it mean?
I know, I’m a little nutty, I mean who else would sit and ponder over a yo-yo.
I couldn’t wrap my head around it (pardon the pun), so I decided I needed to get one. A frustrating Target experience which ended in them not actually having “real” yo-yo’s (I know. And I thought Target had EVERYHTING) left me yo-yo less and still perplexed over what I was supposed to be learning. A couple days later I ended up at a random HobbyLobby digging through a bin of yo-yo’s like a 5 year old at a toy store, excited about the new world of possibilities at hand. As I walked out of the store I busted out the new yo-yo and began to test my hand at some old skills (yo-yo’s were a VERY big deal when I was in elementary school).
Over the next few days I carried the yo-yo with me. Praying over it (yes the yo-yo) and trying to divulge the hidden meaning like it was some great mystery (I’m fairly certain those endless hours spent with Nancy Drew in my younger years aide me in situations such as these). In the end, I realized a few things. 1. Sadly, you cannot yo-yo in the car. 2. 50 cent yo-yo’s really aren’t that great. 3. I’m really not that great at yo-yoing. 4. Yo-yo’s make excellent conversation pieces. 5. Most importantly, I settled on the fact that all this yo-yo nonsense had to do with my relationships…as this has been a key word in my life lately.
So I was thinking about relationships and relating it to the yo-yo and I came up with a few things. Below they are listed and described…in no particular order...
1. You can yo-yo with other people. Sometimes this is the natural ebb and flow of life, where sometimes you are close with a particular person, and then you tend to drift apart. Other times this is just a character trait that probably should be dealt with…point here being there’s no consistency. Its Hot and cold. One minute you’re feeling the closeness of being a yo-yo in the grip of the other, and the next you are dangling free hoping to be snapped back into the clutch of the hand. I can do this in relationships. Someone gets to close, I push them away, and then they tend to creep back into life later. This also saying one can push an unhealthy relationship away intending to “cut the cord” however the relationship creeps back in on them.
2. You can yo-yo with God. I wouldn’t recommend this. I’m learning more and more that my relationship with God is a lot like my relationship with others. As I’m holding the yo-yo and release…I know it’s on a rope and its going to come back….so why not hang out and do my own thing for a while? God will come back…he always does.
3. At some point…it always gets all unraveled and messy. I tend to do this part of yo-yoing very well. I yo-yo on average 4-6 times and then the yo-yo doesn’t come back and instead just unravels itself all up. I spend a lot of time re-winding the yo-yo. Ironic the messy and unraveled happens when you hang out too far from God for too long…
4. The wind up… After the unravel there’s always the wind up. This is probably the least fun part. This is the part after the unravel. Anxiously waiting to be completely wound. Put together and safe in the hand of the person in control of the yo-yo. The wind up takes some time from the game, focused energy as to not tangle the string. There is a point in here though. “Draw near to him and he’ll draw near to you.” The wind up might in fact be the most beautiful part of the whole yo-yo experience. Without it, there wouldn’t be a complete yo-yo, wound and ready to be used for its intended purpose.
5. I feel like there should be a #5 and there probably is…but I don’t got it right now. I just couldn’t end on 4…
Yeah. All this from a yo-yo. It makes me laugh.
My 50 cent yo-yo now hangs out in the center consul of my car. It reminds me of my relationships, the importance of consistency, and this winding up I’m doing with God right now.
I do this every once and a while, I’ll get an object in my head, or a picture and it just keeps coming to mind. I’ve learned long ago that usually it has some other significance than just a frivolous thought or the need for a new toy. So I started thinking on it….what’s up with the yo-yo? What does it mean?
I know, I’m a little nutty, I mean who else would sit and ponder over a yo-yo.
I couldn’t wrap my head around it (pardon the pun), so I decided I needed to get one. A frustrating Target experience which ended in them not actually having “real” yo-yo’s (I know. And I thought Target had EVERYHTING) left me yo-yo less and still perplexed over what I was supposed to be learning. A couple days later I ended up at a random HobbyLobby digging through a bin of yo-yo’s like a 5 year old at a toy store, excited about the new world of possibilities at hand. As I walked out of the store I busted out the new yo-yo and began to test my hand at some old skills (yo-yo’s were a VERY big deal when I was in elementary school).
Over the next few days I carried the yo-yo with me. Praying over it (yes the yo-yo) and trying to divulge the hidden meaning like it was some great mystery (I’m fairly certain those endless hours spent with Nancy Drew in my younger years aide me in situations such as these). In the end, I realized a few things. 1. Sadly, you cannot yo-yo in the car. 2. 50 cent yo-yo’s really aren’t that great. 3. I’m really not that great at yo-yoing. 4. Yo-yo’s make excellent conversation pieces. 5. Most importantly, I settled on the fact that all this yo-yo nonsense had to do with my relationships…as this has been a key word in my life lately.
So I was thinking about relationships and relating it to the yo-yo and I came up with a few things. Below they are listed and described…in no particular order...
1. You can yo-yo with other people. Sometimes this is the natural ebb and flow of life, where sometimes you are close with a particular person, and then you tend to drift apart. Other times this is just a character trait that probably should be dealt with…point here being there’s no consistency. Its Hot and cold. One minute you’re feeling the closeness of being a yo-yo in the grip of the other, and the next you are dangling free hoping to be snapped back into the clutch of the hand. I can do this in relationships. Someone gets to close, I push them away, and then they tend to creep back into life later. This also saying one can push an unhealthy relationship away intending to “cut the cord” however the relationship creeps back in on them.
2. You can yo-yo with God. I wouldn’t recommend this. I’m learning more and more that my relationship with God is a lot like my relationship with others. As I’m holding the yo-yo and release…I know it’s on a rope and its going to come back….so why not hang out and do my own thing for a while? God will come back…he always does.
3. At some point…it always gets all unraveled and messy. I tend to do this part of yo-yoing very well. I yo-yo on average 4-6 times and then the yo-yo doesn’t come back and instead just unravels itself all up. I spend a lot of time re-winding the yo-yo. Ironic the messy and unraveled happens when you hang out too far from God for too long…
4. The wind up… After the unravel there’s always the wind up. This is probably the least fun part. This is the part after the unravel. Anxiously waiting to be completely wound. Put together and safe in the hand of the person in control of the yo-yo. The wind up takes some time from the game, focused energy as to not tangle the string. There is a point in here though. “Draw near to him and he’ll draw near to you.” The wind up might in fact be the most beautiful part of the whole yo-yo experience. Without it, there wouldn’t be a complete yo-yo, wound and ready to be used for its intended purpose.
5. I feel like there should be a #5 and there probably is…but I don’t got it right now. I just couldn’t end on 4…
Yeah. All this from a yo-yo. It makes me laugh.
My 50 cent yo-yo now hangs out in the center consul of my car. It reminds me of my relationships, the importance of consistency, and this winding up I’m doing with God right now.
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