train station.

i'm awake. yet again. in the middle of the night.
somethings up.
why is it that sometimes you need to be completely at your wits end before things start sinking in.. you'd think I'd learn.
In leiu of all this late night insomnia buisness, I started going through old journals, my old xanga this time. Sometimes It's encouraging to see where I've been, and that I'm not as crazy as I think I am...though in some cases crazier.
The point is. I found this. Posted across a few entries.


In so many ways I'm still waiting. At the train station.

****
Wed. June 17, 2007
I think its a scene from My Best Friends' Wedding...but i'm not sure....where they're sitting at a train station and one says to the other that life is like a train ride, and although you get off everyone else still moves on without you. And sometimes they just wished the train would stop, and they could get off for a while, and then get back on later...but you cant, the train leaves...
I feel like that...Life seems like such a blur lately. And the pressure is building to find a job and grow up and be an adult... And i dont want to. I'm becomming more and more afraid of me becomming a bum and watching as my friends all grow up and move on with life... And i just want to hang out, have fun...

And well. I wish the train would stop, and let me set and think about thigns for a while... And then move forward in the direction i was sure i was supposed to go. Cuz sometimes i'm not so sure, and decisions come my way, and need to be made quickly...and i just wonder sometimes...if i'm making the right ones...

***
Tues. May 13, 2008
About a year ago i prayed that my life would slow down. I had this dream i was at a train station and that everyone was rushing around getting on trains. Not me. I was saying my goodbyes, etc. and soon found myself sittting on a bench at the train station by myself.....waiting on my train. It always stinks being the last one. In the last few years on missions traveling I've purposly scheduled my departure flight as one of the earliest possible in order to not have to deal with the repeated goodbyes of friends. How ironic I am now sitting....at the train station....alone. Ironic that a year ago, I prayed for this. Ironic that now it might in fact drive me nutty.
I have no idea where i'm headed next. I pray that God give me a sneak peak. The opportunites are endless of course, but finding the right path. the one chosen and picked out for me. that's the one i want.

***
I'm pretty sure I'm still at the train station. The good news is I've got a lot of friends here now. We hang out, live life together. Watch the trains come in and go out. Sometimes a few of them leave, but only to be replaced by new friends. I know the station like the back of my hand, ask me any part of the train schedules and I know it. The sounds of the train is comforting to me as the never ending doors of opportunity open and close with every passing train. The bad news is, I have this growing inclination that I might need to get on one of the trains soon..