sprout.

I work in a flower shop, attached to a greenhouse.

I absolutely love walking in the front doors in the early morning when there’s hardly anyone there yet and breathing it in, the oxygen, the smell of dirt, the gentle trickle of the numerous ponds and waterfalls around the store, the early morning sunlight warming the rooftop thus making it considerably warmer and considerably more humid. I love everything about all of this.
As the winter threatens to snuff any hope for sunshine and warmth, I’m thankful for this work environment that enables me to catch glimpses of summertime.

This all has nothing really to do with my real point here.

I was thinking about this old elm tree that my parents have in the backyard. It has often been a source of grief over the years as its buds and branches often fill the gutters and become a nuisance. There’s been much discussion on a variety of occasions to cut the tree down and do away with it all together. Its main source of redemption was the fact that it was the tree our beloved tire swing hung on when we were younger and one of the main pillars in the zip line that my dad rigged up for us (yes we had a zip line in our backyard) which we still put up on occasion.

In more recent years as the tree has taken an obvious turn for the worse seemingly on the road to death, the talk of having it taken down before it falls down has been more frequent. In the end after having some tree experts come out it was decided to cut the tree way back taking off the dead branches and providing space for it to grow anew. When these experts were finished hacking away at our beloved elm tree it looked like it jumped right out of some crazy Dr. Seuss book instead of the tree remembered. Needless to say, given a couple years the tree is expected to once again birth new branches and again look beautiful.

So I’m considering this journey I’ve been on for the last few years, so similar to that of this beloved tree. I was living the life, growing, bearing fruit, towering over everything else around me. It was great. And then something started happening; not any one thing in specific but over time I began to wear down and wasn’t able to keep up all these branches I was holding. It was that there was more for me then what was before me at that time, but my roots were not solid enough to sustain what was to come. So branches got trimmed and I looked like a character from a Dr. Suess book for a while. Life became this series of opportunity upon opportunity, but I remained where I was. I went into somewhat of this dormancy, where outwardly I wasn’t doing too much, but inwardly groundbreaking things were taking place. Over a series of time, years really, my inner life was taking blow after blow both good and bad, and my outer life wasn’t allotted time to catch up. In the end I trimmed back and started focusing on centering myself again, centering myself on He who created me and working on the things I would need for this new journey, these new branches. It was my incubation, my winter.

And then at the end of it all…the tree begins to sprout.

And everything takes on meaning once again.

water balloon.

I was sitting in church this morning and oddly began thinking about water balloons. The worship leader was speaking of the world, and collective worship with believers everywhere and I began thinking about water balloons.

I know. Weird.

I’ve had my fair share of water balloon fights in my day and know the art of filling water balloons well. And I work in an environment which requires the occasional filling of balloons with helium. All these things began running through my head.

And then just like that. In my thought process, the water balloon popped.

Like a piece of my heart that’s been growing and brewing the biggest and the best water balloon ever. It just burst open and the contents spewed forth.

And suddenly a piece of me that’s been held captive within the confines of the balloon, growing and waiting for the perfect moment explodes with force and reckless abandon.

grounded.

Somehow I managed to get 4.5 days off work last weekend and it was basically the most beautiful weekend I’ve had in a long while. Ironically it wasn’t because I went anywhere cool or visited people I haven’t seen in a while (though those things would have been beautiful as well) it was simply because I had all this space to be quiet and kick back and catch up.

My roommate had the misfortune of working all weekend which was unhappy for her yet created this whole house of quiet just for me for 4 days. As I got home Friday afternoon from NYE festivities I spent the rest of the day picking things up, doing laundry, and tying up loose ends, etc. Saturday morning I woke up made some pancakes, sat by the table (something I rarely do when eating alone) and marveled over this grand amount of time I had to fill at my leisure.

So I turned on some instrumental piano music (an old “think time” favorite) and I let my mind unravel. I finished two good books. I worked on some Living Fire stuff. I journaled - A lot. I pondered over where I was at on this road, searched deep, set new goals. I let my heart dream and prayed over new adventures. I spent some quality face time with a couple of my favorite people, and tried something new. I thought about who I am, and who I’m becoming and realized I’m thankful for the choices I have made and the direction life is going.

I thought about one of Moses’ stories about God not being in the earthquake or the fire, but in a gentle whisper and I realized the serious need for me to allow space for God’s whisper. I pondered over the chaos my life had been mere months ago and was thankful to find this resting place to ground myself for adventures to come.

So for 3 days I grounded myself and yet found myself grounded yet again in my Creator.

retrospect.

The New Year always stirs some sort of introspection on the happenings of the past year. Good or bad, highs or lows, all things get considered and then somehow we sit back and decide for ourselves how we’re going to do things differently in the coming year. What’s interesting to me in all of this is the fact that somehow we think we can sit and say how we are going to change things. We sit around discussing these things as though the things that come along our path our really our doing, and as if we have a say in our encountering them. “Wow. This event or that event really stunk. Let’s not do that again.” It’s my thought that we can’t decide for ourselves what comes along our path, but we can however decide for ourselves how we react to it. Do we embrace the heartache or joy? Do we choose for ourselves an attitude of gratefulness and press on with endurance; or wallow in self pity and let the current circumstance overtake us?

The only thing I wish for myself in the coming year is more of this; more God, more of discovering who I am, more of this walk with Jesus and more time with the people walking with me. I want to blur the line between who I want to be and who I am. I want to immerse myself in the world and culture, yet not be consumed by it. I want to LOVE from the center of who I am (Rom.12:9mess.) I want to risk everything.

Top Happenings of 2009:
1. I was planning a pretty hefty trip for this past summer, and to my initial dismay, felt God leading me not to. In exchange I got the most American of all-American summers. It rocked my socks and grew me in ways I’m still discovering.
2. I decided to eat organic. I was quite successful at it for about 6 months. Financial constraints and overall inconvenience led to my change back to “normal” food. Someday I hope to return to this lifestyle as I generally felt much better while eating organic.
3. The family spent one last summer at Auntie Ange’s cottage. It was a fun week of nostalgia and reminiscing. Realizing we aren’t as young as we once were, but still trying to act like it. Early morning fishing and late night games of monopoly filled in with boating and skiing, blueberry picking and trips to Saugatuck. In the end the cottage will always hold a piece of the family’s heart and it’s bittersweet to think we may not share that place again though exciting for new traditions and memories made.
4. Relationships. Oh dear me so much to say here. In the end relationships are hard work, but worth it. I love catching glimpses of who I am in the reflection of who I spend time with. I love the self discovery that takes place with those who know me to my core, sometimes better then I know myself. I love the realization that we are each amazing people, but not amazing together, and being ok with that. And I love LOVEing people.
5. I spent some time out on the east coast with my girl A.Bell. She’s basically one of the most amazingly beautiful women God ever brought across my path and I love LOVE walking with her on this leg of our race.
6. I moved out, gained some independence, and am still regaining a foothold of who I truly am. I a Hoosier now, which is something I never thought possible, but crazier things have happened. Overall, I’m lovin’ it.
7. I won a cruise. Yeah, I never win anything, but I won a cruise to the Bahamas. It was amazing. My old college roommate came along with me and we shared 4 days of complete spontaneity, good conversation, laughter, and our hearts with each other. It was beautiful.
8. I became a part of this group called Living Fire. It’s basically a more intense bible study focusing a lot on self discovery and knowing God and therefore knowing yourself more. It’s phenomenal. The people in my group are taking over a piece of my heart and I love sharing life with them.
9. There were the endless array of road trips and ski trips, retreats, and weekends on friend’s couches. All of these things brought life and encouragement on a rollercoaster of a year.
10. I don’t really have a #10 but I felt like I needed one to round out the list. I’m sure if I think a little longer I could think of another something huge however I think I am done thinking for today. So bring on 2010 and a continuation of the crazy life I live.