I havent written here in a while.... I think it directly relates to the craziness of life.

Blogging is good for me - it helps me process.

I should get to that soon.

:)

E-mo

The Lord is up to something – I just haven’t placed it quite yet. I seem to be more sensitive lately. The simple things take my breath away. I’ve shared some of the sweetest moments the last few weeks with people I love. It’s happening more and more where I feel like my heart just might swell out of my chest. It’s not uncommon these days for these sweet moments to bring me to tears.

As I learn more and more about the injustices of the world – and yes these bring me to tears too- I am more and more thankful for the people around me.

In many ways I know I’m still morning the loss of my grandfather – and perhaps that’s why I’m sensitive.

“Tears seem to stay closer to the surface for me as well these days. They will come, unbidden, in the midst of prayer. Sometimes I’m not even aware they are there until I feel them on my cheek.”
–Micheal Card, the Walk

Beautiful

Ten beautiful things happening in my life these days…

1. A crisp fall afternoon.
2. A husband and wife coming together in marriage.
3. New life within a family.
4. The imperative role of a father in a young boy’s life.
5. The inseparable bond between a single mother and her young daughter.
6. Young love.
7. Young people living out of who the Lord created them to be
8. Talented individuals using their gifts to serve.
9. 58 years of marriage
10. A Saturday to catch up and unwind.

helping/hurting

I have this job – its two fold really. Part of my time I spend as the Mission Director at my church. Such a big title that I often am not sure I live up to. I put in all I’ve got – and the rest is a lot of trusting that the Lord fill in that gap. It’s a good system I think.

I’ve spent a good part of the last year wrestling over questions I’d never had to face before. Suddenly with a new position I felt more accountable. Issues I’d chosen to be ignorant over for my personal gain I now have to question due to my new responsibility as a leader.

I few weeks back I found myself walking the dirt roads of Honduras. It’s crazy to me how freeing simple moments like that can be for me. It’s crazy to me how hard it is for most people to go to such places – yet every time I go I struggle more and more with being here.

Needless to say many of the questions I had been wrestling with in the previous months regarding short-term missions suddenly smacked me upside the head and I broke down right there on that dirt road. I stopped short and just looked around me. I looked down at the small girl that happened to be holding my hand at the moment and for the first time in a real tangible way asked myself if my being there was actually helping her. Suddenly the questions came flooding to my mind of stewardship and I wondered the long term effects of my being there.

I’ve spent a fair amount of time on the road with short-term mission projects and each time I come home wrecked. For weeks in fact I generally am in a fog upon returning to America. Each time it’s harder and harder for me to justify my standard of living. To be honest I don’t know that I’ve thought half as much as how my actions affected those I had left behind in whatever country I had been. In my American brain I just don’t think I ever thought my outreach wasn’t helpful. In many ways it might have been. In others I’m saddened to look back and realize we probably were making things more difficult for them.

As I move forward in this journey I can’t help but battle in my head over the long-term effects of what I’m doing, or I’m encouraging others to do. Yes helping at soup kitchens and food banks and feeding the homeless, rehabbing houses is great – but if we’re not getting to the root of the issue in the end we’re just feeding into the cycle of poverty. As the old saying goes – Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish & he’ll eat for a lifetime.

three.

I like to measure life in Chapters. As seasons change and new things occurs, growth happens; it seems only fitting that they be measured in chapters. Moments, days, years, they all are figured into the story. The story of me.

The last chapter of my life was a long one. It was probably divided into sections with subheadings and big bold titles. It also definitely had those breaks noted with a row of asterisks. It was one of those that you wonder if you’ll ever get to the end of, with each page turn hoping for the end but instead just more paragraphs. While reading through it instead of reading it to the end of the chapter you would probably take a break at each of these rows of headings. Waiting a few days to pick it back up again hoping that somehow the main character makes it through without losing her sanity or forgetting the One who created her wasn’t done writing yet.

In the end though I learned to love where I was at in life. The highs and lows, everything a learning moment, leaving my heart open and teachable to what was going on. Soaking it in as much as possible without getting too frustrated with the stagnate nature of it all. It’s interesting how looking back at something it all becomes so much clearer. The meaning behind the moments, even the tiny ones, which I didn’t understand until later were so foundational to bringing me to where I am.
I’m thankful for the chapter, the chapter that covered three years of my life. From graduation until now; the highs and lows, ins and outs; the face plants and the mountaintops - it all was worth it.

Three years ago I graduated from college. Degree in hand and student loans still in their grace period I felt like I could take on the world. The world was my oyster and I anticipated the road I was on would continue to be clear and effortless. It was clear, but not effortless. While others took the main highways to their destination of dream jobs, marriage, and children; I opted for the less traveled roads.

Standing where I’m at today I see the beauty of it all and I’m thankful. Thankful for the Lord’s provision and thankful for the time to figure out who I am. Thankful for the unending grace He gives which enables me to continue this journey.

broken.

A while back I prayed that the Lord “break my heart for what breaks His.” Simple words of a recent trendy worship song that struck me – looking back I don’t think I knew what I was in for. In the time since I find myself time and time again completely heartbroken over the injustices in this world and the chosen ignorance of my American Christian peers.

Time and time again I find myself somehow trying to manage standing between these two worlds; keeping one foot in each world and rationalizing the need to do so. Tonight I sit back and find myself yet again completely heart-broken on all subjects regarding the injustices of this world and the complacency of the culture around me.

“What, therefore, is our task today?” Should I answer, “Faith, hope, and love?” That sounds beautiful. But I would say – courage. No, even that is not challenging enough to be whole truth. Our task today is recklessness. For what we Christians lack is not psychology or literature…we lack Holy rage. The recklessness which comes from the knowledge of God and humanity; the ability to rage when justice lies prostrate on the streets, and when the lie rages across the face of the earth. A Holy anger about the things that are wrong in the world. To rage against the ravaging of God’s earth and the destruction of God’s people. To rage when little children must die of hunger, while the tables of the rich are sagging with food. To rage at the senseless killing of so many, and the madness of militaries. To rage against the lie that calls the threat of death and the strategy of destruction peace. To rage against COMPLACENCY. To restlessly seek that recklessness that will challenge and seek to change human history until it conforms to the norms of the kingdom of God.”
-Father Kaj Munk, 1944

highland.

On the move again; six months later.

I didn’t realize how attached I’d become to this place. How much healing and growth has taken place here. I moved in on short notice, taking a leap of faith, knowing something had to give somewhere and finding this to be that perfect outlet. 3232 LaPorte became my comfort, my safety zone; the perfect combination of location, environment, and roommates. This is the place where my life finally became grounded again and where I re-discovered my calling. Its crazy how much can change in a person’s life in a mere six months, how much growth can take place. I look back and yet again am blown away by the Lord’s unending grace and mercy and powerful hand in it all.

And again I’m brought to chaos. It seems like all or nothing for me as I walk through life. Everything is going through change; the coming months are going to be incredibly formational for the years ahead. Amidst this chaos I find rest and peace in the shadow of the almighty knowing that these six months have been imperative to enabling me to get through the days ahead.

Highland will be forever in my mind a memory of a slow unwinding of who I thought I was into who I truly am.


So I’m off to Lansing to see what life has to offer there. I’m pumped and packed.

american honey.

this song has been in my head a lot lately. enjoy :)

She grew up on a side of the road

Where the church bells ring and strong love grows

She grew up good

She grew up slow

Like American honey

Steady as a preacher

Free as a weed

Couldn't wait to get goin'

But wasn't quite ready to leave

So innocent, pure and sweet

American honey

There's a wild, wild whisper

Blowin' in the wind

Callin' out my name like a long lost friend

Oh I miss those days as the years go by

Oh nothing's sweeter than summertime

And American honey

Get caught in the race

Of this crazy life

Tryin' to be everything can make you lose your mind

I just wanna go back in time

To American honey, yea

There's a wild, wild whisper

Blowin' in the wind

Callin' out my name like a long lost friend

Oh I miss those days as the years go by

Oh nothing's sweeter than summertime

And American honey

Gone for so long nowI gotta get back to her somehow

To American honey

"American Honey"

Lady Antebellum

stop.

Stop. Collaborate and listen.
(Ice is back with a brand new invention?)

I wonder if Vanilla Ice had Psalm 46 on the brain when he wrote that.
Ok. Probably not.

In Psalm 46 God sort of re-assures us that He’s got it all in control. I LOVE it. The seas are raging, mountains quaking, kingdoms crumbling, wars raging. And in verse 10 He’s all “don’t worry, I got this.”

But not only does He “have this” but he tells us to just STOP.

Chuck Swindoll says this about this Psalm:
“One Hebrew term attracts me to this Psalm; a very small imperative, a terse command. Preceded by images of chaos- mountains sliding into the ocean cites under attack, breaking bows, and burning chariots – comes the absurd command, “Cease!” Raphah is the Hebrew term. It could be rendered: Relax. Be quiet. Quit. Do Nothing. When danger threatens someone, we might naturally panic as we shout, “Run!” “Duck!” or “Get out!” But God says “Cease.” Imagine someone calling into a burning building, “Do Nothing!””

I think this is hard for us, it is for me anyway. In the midst of the storm and the chaos to simply stop and submit to the one who knows how it is all going to end up. And I don’t even think it necessarily needs to be a storm in the sense of getting slammed with a bunch of negative things, they can be good things. Often I find myself torn in a gazillion directions getting bombarded by loads of good things wondering which one I should tackle first, spreading myself too thin. Often I put myself in the place of God thinking I need to do some amazing thing in order for this all to work out right. But the truth is I don’t. Like I’m really gonna save the world. I need to stop, “cease striving,” and trust all things happen in His time.

The Message version says it this way: “Step out of traffic! Take a long, loving look at Me, your High God, above politics, above everything.”

In the midst of it all he doesn’t command us to do anything, He insists us to step back and watch him in all his majesty work it together for his glory.

Be still and know that I am God.

mojo.

I had this dream recently that involved a few friends, me getting married, and a bunch of other random events at the end of which we ended up giving a friend the nickname Mojo. The next morning I woke up thinking back over this and laughed at the silliness of the dream and didn’t think much more of it, other than constantly calling this friend Mojo of course in a mocking manner as he is generally that kind of guy that always has a few girls in tow.

A few days later I was talking with him and a handful of other people about this event and as we were talking through it we wondered if perhaps it could be related to God, and having mojo for the Lord.

I’ve been thinking about this, and even looked in the dictionary for a good definition for mojo. What I discovered was that mojo can mean a variety of things, some good but most of them not so much. I can say that how I always thought of mojo was the sort of energy or aura you produce that kind of draws other people to yourself; it’s your mojo. The slang dictionary does have one definition as “Power; or charisma.”

So if our mojo is of the Lord, then the thing that is constantly drawing others to ourselves is in actuality..the Lord? Maybe letting your light shine brightly for the Lord is the new definition for Mojo? God calls us to be salt…and to have mojo for him?

Hm. A whole new twist on things.

sprout.

I work in a flower shop, attached to a greenhouse.

I absolutely love walking in the front doors in the early morning when there’s hardly anyone there yet and breathing it in, the oxygen, the smell of dirt, the gentle trickle of the numerous ponds and waterfalls around the store, the early morning sunlight warming the rooftop thus making it considerably warmer and considerably more humid. I love everything about all of this.
As the winter threatens to snuff any hope for sunshine and warmth, I’m thankful for this work environment that enables me to catch glimpses of summertime.

This all has nothing really to do with my real point here.

I was thinking about this old elm tree that my parents have in the backyard. It has often been a source of grief over the years as its buds and branches often fill the gutters and become a nuisance. There’s been much discussion on a variety of occasions to cut the tree down and do away with it all together. Its main source of redemption was the fact that it was the tree our beloved tire swing hung on when we were younger and one of the main pillars in the zip line that my dad rigged up for us (yes we had a zip line in our backyard) which we still put up on occasion.

In more recent years as the tree has taken an obvious turn for the worse seemingly on the road to death, the talk of having it taken down before it falls down has been more frequent. In the end after having some tree experts come out it was decided to cut the tree way back taking off the dead branches and providing space for it to grow anew. When these experts were finished hacking away at our beloved elm tree it looked like it jumped right out of some crazy Dr. Seuss book instead of the tree remembered. Needless to say, given a couple years the tree is expected to once again birth new branches and again look beautiful.

So I’m considering this journey I’ve been on for the last few years, so similar to that of this beloved tree. I was living the life, growing, bearing fruit, towering over everything else around me. It was great. And then something started happening; not any one thing in specific but over time I began to wear down and wasn’t able to keep up all these branches I was holding. It was that there was more for me then what was before me at that time, but my roots were not solid enough to sustain what was to come. So branches got trimmed and I looked like a character from a Dr. Suess book for a while. Life became this series of opportunity upon opportunity, but I remained where I was. I went into somewhat of this dormancy, where outwardly I wasn’t doing too much, but inwardly groundbreaking things were taking place. Over a series of time, years really, my inner life was taking blow after blow both good and bad, and my outer life wasn’t allotted time to catch up. In the end I trimmed back and started focusing on centering myself again, centering myself on He who created me and working on the things I would need for this new journey, these new branches. It was my incubation, my winter.

And then at the end of it all…the tree begins to sprout.

And everything takes on meaning once again.

water balloon.

I was sitting in church this morning and oddly began thinking about water balloons. The worship leader was speaking of the world, and collective worship with believers everywhere and I began thinking about water balloons.

I know. Weird.

I’ve had my fair share of water balloon fights in my day and know the art of filling water balloons well. And I work in an environment which requires the occasional filling of balloons with helium. All these things began running through my head.

And then just like that. In my thought process, the water balloon popped.

Like a piece of my heart that’s been growing and brewing the biggest and the best water balloon ever. It just burst open and the contents spewed forth.

And suddenly a piece of me that’s been held captive within the confines of the balloon, growing and waiting for the perfect moment explodes with force and reckless abandon.

grounded.

Somehow I managed to get 4.5 days off work last weekend and it was basically the most beautiful weekend I’ve had in a long while. Ironically it wasn’t because I went anywhere cool or visited people I haven’t seen in a while (though those things would have been beautiful as well) it was simply because I had all this space to be quiet and kick back and catch up.

My roommate had the misfortune of working all weekend which was unhappy for her yet created this whole house of quiet just for me for 4 days. As I got home Friday afternoon from NYE festivities I spent the rest of the day picking things up, doing laundry, and tying up loose ends, etc. Saturday morning I woke up made some pancakes, sat by the table (something I rarely do when eating alone) and marveled over this grand amount of time I had to fill at my leisure.

So I turned on some instrumental piano music (an old “think time” favorite) and I let my mind unravel. I finished two good books. I worked on some Living Fire stuff. I journaled - A lot. I pondered over where I was at on this road, searched deep, set new goals. I let my heart dream and prayed over new adventures. I spent some quality face time with a couple of my favorite people, and tried something new. I thought about who I am, and who I’m becoming and realized I’m thankful for the choices I have made and the direction life is going.

I thought about one of Moses’ stories about God not being in the earthquake or the fire, but in a gentle whisper and I realized the serious need for me to allow space for God’s whisper. I pondered over the chaos my life had been mere months ago and was thankful to find this resting place to ground myself for adventures to come.

So for 3 days I grounded myself and yet found myself grounded yet again in my Creator.

retrospect.

The New Year always stirs some sort of introspection on the happenings of the past year. Good or bad, highs or lows, all things get considered and then somehow we sit back and decide for ourselves how we’re going to do things differently in the coming year. What’s interesting to me in all of this is the fact that somehow we think we can sit and say how we are going to change things. We sit around discussing these things as though the things that come along our path our really our doing, and as if we have a say in our encountering them. “Wow. This event or that event really stunk. Let’s not do that again.” It’s my thought that we can’t decide for ourselves what comes along our path, but we can however decide for ourselves how we react to it. Do we embrace the heartache or joy? Do we choose for ourselves an attitude of gratefulness and press on with endurance; or wallow in self pity and let the current circumstance overtake us?

The only thing I wish for myself in the coming year is more of this; more God, more of discovering who I am, more of this walk with Jesus and more time with the people walking with me. I want to blur the line between who I want to be and who I am. I want to immerse myself in the world and culture, yet not be consumed by it. I want to LOVE from the center of who I am (Rom.12:9mess.) I want to risk everything.

Top Happenings of 2009:
1. I was planning a pretty hefty trip for this past summer, and to my initial dismay, felt God leading me not to. In exchange I got the most American of all-American summers. It rocked my socks and grew me in ways I’m still discovering.
2. I decided to eat organic. I was quite successful at it for about 6 months. Financial constraints and overall inconvenience led to my change back to “normal” food. Someday I hope to return to this lifestyle as I generally felt much better while eating organic.
3. The family spent one last summer at Auntie Ange’s cottage. It was a fun week of nostalgia and reminiscing. Realizing we aren’t as young as we once were, but still trying to act like it. Early morning fishing and late night games of monopoly filled in with boating and skiing, blueberry picking and trips to Saugatuck. In the end the cottage will always hold a piece of the family’s heart and it’s bittersweet to think we may not share that place again though exciting for new traditions and memories made.
4. Relationships. Oh dear me so much to say here. In the end relationships are hard work, but worth it. I love catching glimpses of who I am in the reflection of who I spend time with. I love the self discovery that takes place with those who know me to my core, sometimes better then I know myself. I love the realization that we are each amazing people, but not amazing together, and being ok with that. And I love LOVEing people.
5. I spent some time out on the east coast with my girl A.Bell. She’s basically one of the most amazingly beautiful women God ever brought across my path and I love LOVE walking with her on this leg of our race.
6. I moved out, gained some independence, and am still regaining a foothold of who I truly am. I a Hoosier now, which is something I never thought possible, but crazier things have happened. Overall, I’m lovin’ it.
7. I won a cruise. Yeah, I never win anything, but I won a cruise to the Bahamas. It was amazing. My old college roommate came along with me and we shared 4 days of complete spontaneity, good conversation, laughter, and our hearts with each other. It was beautiful.
8. I became a part of this group called Living Fire. It’s basically a more intense bible study focusing a lot on self discovery and knowing God and therefore knowing yourself more. It’s phenomenal. The people in my group are taking over a piece of my heart and I love sharing life with them.
9. There were the endless array of road trips and ski trips, retreats, and weekends on friend’s couches. All of these things brought life and encouragement on a rollercoaster of a year.
10. I don’t really have a #10 but I felt like I needed one to round out the list. I’m sure if I think a little longer I could think of another something huge however I think I am done thinking for today. So bring on 2010 and a continuation of the crazy life I live.