road map.

I was cleaning some odds and ends out of the backseat of my car. Laughing in mockery at myself as to how quickly things pile up back there as I go from one activity to the next. At the bottom of the pile of junk I discovered my atlas. The cover torn off, pages coming loose, random MapQuest directions shoved between state maps, doodles and stars and arrows cover some pages of the areas I frequent most often. I spent some time flipping through it, smiling, remembering the trips and those who were along for the ride, my heart longing for the open road. To return to these places that brought so much joy.

I shrugged it off and thought briefly I should add a new atlas to my Christmas list, quickly dismissing it thinking the map I have is good enough; perhaps holding some sentimental value to the map I have in its distressed state. It’s worn in, I know the pages well. What good would a new map be?

The only logical thing I could come up with was in fact a huge one. Duh. A new one would have the updated streets and roads. Roads this old map doesn’t have. This map can only get me so far, a new map would open up all new possibilities. A clean slate. New roads. New avenues. The potential is great.

So easily it related to my own life’s adventure. How I so desperately wanted to continue on those old roads that are comfortable and well traveled. If I would let go, and look into a new updated map I would discover so many new roads and avenues. Where there were empty open fields before, roads cut through pathways marked out. Stopping places, rest areas, people to see, fish to fry.

And yet here I am sitting nearing the end of the road. My map doesn’t get me any further. I’m staring a head into open nothingness with uncertainty and bewilderment. Excited for the adventure yet scared to leave the comfort of what I know; uncertain of where to go next because I need the updated map, the one that shows the new highways and byways.

The best part of new road maps is that sometimes the new roads take you through the places of your past, just in new ways. Sometimes the old well traveled roads are still most efficient in getting you to your destination. Sometimes new roads take you through old destinations, old stopping points, but this time it’s merely a rest area for the grander picture.

So I’m asking for a new road map for Christmas ;)

Breathe

A couple months ago I was retreating at The Ravines in Lowell, IN and one of the speakers talked about the love languages. I had heard of these love languages before many times and had talked about them often in a variety of past relationships. The thing that struck me this time happened to be the connection between them and our relationship with God.

It was just after this that we were kind of let to ourselves for some time in reflection, and overall “freedom” to spend our morning as we wished. So I reflected on these love languages, mine in particular, and tried to make some connections. Personal touch happens to fall in my top three love languages, and as I began to ponder how this works with God, I became hyper-aware of my breathing; it was the craziest thing really. As I continued to inhale and exhale I began praying, soaking in the Lord, and exhaling the troubles and worries, releasing them as needed. It was His touch, my being able to tangibly feel the Lord. In the weeks since this has become something I do periodically, add it to the growing list of quirky things I do…

I was recently unpacking a random box of stuff and came across the handful of Nooma’s I own. There has been much debate over Rob Bell and his theology and whatnot, but in the end I like the Nooma’s they provoke thought and stir me to ponder things I wouldn’t have. Regardless, I own one called Breathe – so of course when I came across it I had to sit for a moment and watch it.

So I watched it; and watched it again the next day with friends. Several things struck me, and overall I’d highly recommend watching it. What really gets me is the significance of mere breathing. Like if you really stop and think about the beauty of it - that God took dust, and breathed into it and voila here we are. I mean really, these things just don’t happen every day, or does it?? And to take into consideration that once our breath is gone, once we stop breathing, we’re done for.

“There’s this paradox at the heart of what it means to be a human being. We’re fragile and vulnerable, we come from the dust. And yet at the same time we’ve been breathed into by the creator of the universe. And this divine breath is in every single human being.” – Rob Bell.

There are a lot more facets to this Nooma video that I won’t go into it here, but you should watch it, and let me know your thoughts. In the end, I’m thankful for my breath and life. I’m thankful that I can sit back and focus on my breathing for a few moments and really feel God.
God’s breathe pouring into me….I wonder how I exhale or where I exhale is really the most effective use of the breath given to me. Hmm.

And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground,
and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.
Genesis 2:7

train station.

i'm awake. yet again. in the middle of the night.
somethings up.
why is it that sometimes you need to be completely at your wits end before things start sinking in.. you'd think I'd learn.
In leiu of all this late night insomnia buisness, I started going through old journals, my old xanga this time. Sometimes It's encouraging to see where I've been, and that I'm not as crazy as I think I am...though in some cases crazier.
The point is. I found this. Posted across a few entries.


In so many ways I'm still waiting. At the train station.

****
Wed. June 17, 2007
I think its a scene from My Best Friends' Wedding...but i'm not sure....where they're sitting at a train station and one says to the other that life is like a train ride, and although you get off everyone else still moves on without you. And sometimes they just wished the train would stop, and they could get off for a while, and then get back on later...but you cant, the train leaves...
I feel like that...Life seems like such a blur lately. And the pressure is building to find a job and grow up and be an adult... And i dont want to. I'm becomming more and more afraid of me becomming a bum and watching as my friends all grow up and move on with life... And i just want to hang out, have fun...

And well. I wish the train would stop, and let me set and think about thigns for a while... And then move forward in the direction i was sure i was supposed to go. Cuz sometimes i'm not so sure, and decisions come my way, and need to be made quickly...and i just wonder sometimes...if i'm making the right ones...

***
Tues. May 13, 2008
About a year ago i prayed that my life would slow down. I had this dream i was at a train station and that everyone was rushing around getting on trains. Not me. I was saying my goodbyes, etc. and soon found myself sittting on a bench at the train station by myself.....waiting on my train. It always stinks being the last one. In the last few years on missions traveling I've purposly scheduled my departure flight as one of the earliest possible in order to not have to deal with the repeated goodbyes of friends. How ironic I am now sitting....at the train station....alone. Ironic that a year ago, I prayed for this. Ironic that now it might in fact drive me nutty.
I have no idea where i'm headed next. I pray that God give me a sneak peak. The opportunites are endless of course, but finding the right path. the one chosen and picked out for me. that's the one i want.

***
I'm pretty sure I'm still at the train station. The good news is I've got a lot of friends here now. We hang out, live life together. Watch the trains come in and go out. Sometimes a few of them leave, but only to be replaced by new friends. I know the station like the back of my hand, ask me any part of the train schedules and I know it. The sounds of the train is comforting to me as the never ending doors of opportunity open and close with every passing train. The bad news is, I have this growing inclination that I might need to get on one of the trains soon..

yo-yo

It’s been a few weeks now, and the sudden infatuation has diminished considerably, but about three weeks ago I was struck with this complete fascination with the yo-yo. I don’t know why. But all of a sudden all I wanted was a yo-yo. I didn’t run out and get one right away, letting the inkling settle for a few days all the while wondering, what’s my deal with the yo-yo.


I do this every once and a while, I’ll get an object in my head, or a picture and it just keeps coming to mind. I’ve learned long ago that usually it has some other significance than just a frivolous thought or the need for a new toy. So I started thinking on it….what’s up with the yo-yo? What does it mean?


I know, I’m a little nutty, I mean who else would sit and ponder over a yo-yo.


I couldn’t wrap my head around it (pardon the pun), so I decided I needed to get one. A frustrating Target experience which ended in them not actually having “real” yo-yo’s (I know. And I thought Target had EVERYHTING) left me yo-yo less and still perplexed over what I was supposed to be learning. A couple days later I ended up at a random HobbyLobby digging through a bin of yo-yo’s like a 5 year old at a toy store, excited about the new world of possibilities at hand. As I walked out of the store I busted out the new yo-yo and began to test my hand at some old skills (yo-yo’s were a VERY big deal when I was in elementary school).



Over the next few days I carried the yo-yo with me. Praying over it (yes the yo-yo) and trying to divulge the hidden meaning like it was some great mystery (I’m fairly certain those endless hours spent with Nancy Drew in my younger years aide me in situations such as these). In the end, I realized a few things. 1. Sadly, you cannot yo-yo in the car. 2. 50 cent yo-yo’s really aren’t that great. 3. I’m really not that great at yo-yoing. 4. Yo-yo’s make excellent conversation pieces. 5. Most importantly, I settled on the fact that all this yo-yo nonsense had to do with my relationships…as this has been a key word in my life lately.



So I was thinking about relationships and relating it to the yo-yo and I came up with a few things. Below they are listed and described…in no particular order...


1. You can yo-yo with other people. Sometimes this is the natural ebb and flow of life, where sometimes you are close with a particular person, and then you tend to drift apart. Other times this is just a character trait that probably should be dealt with…point here being there’s no consistency. Its Hot and cold. One minute you’re feeling the closeness of being a yo-yo in the grip of the other, and the next you are dangling free hoping to be snapped back into the clutch of the hand. I can do this in relationships. Someone gets to close, I push them away, and then they tend to creep back into life later. This also saying one can push an unhealthy relationship away intending to “cut the cord” however the relationship creeps back in on them.


2. You can yo-yo with God. I wouldn’t recommend this. I’m learning more and more that my relationship with God is a lot like my relationship with others. As I’m holding the yo-yo and release…I know it’s on a rope and its going to come back….so why not hang out and do my own thing for a while? God will come back…he always does.


3. At some point…it always gets all unraveled and messy. I tend to do this part of yo-yoing very well. I yo-yo on average 4-6 times and then the yo-yo doesn’t come back and instead just unravels itself all up. I spend a lot of time re-winding the yo-yo. Ironic the messy and unraveled happens when you hang out too far from God for too long…


4. The wind up… After the unravel there’s always the wind up. This is probably the least fun part. This is the part after the unravel. Anxiously waiting to be completely wound. Put together and safe in the hand of the person in control of the yo-yo. The wind up takes some time from the game, focused energy as to not tangle the string. There is a point in here though. “Draw near to him and he’ll draw near to you.” The wind up might in fact be the most beautiful part of the whole yo-yo experience. Without it, there wouldn’t be a complete yo-yo, wound and ready to be used for its intended purpose.


5. I feel like there should be a #5 and there probably is…but I don’t got it right now. I just couldn’t end on 4…

Yeah. All this from a yo-yo. It makes me laugh.
My 50 cent yo-yo now hangs out in the center consul of my car. It reminds me of my relationships, the importance of consistency, and this winding up I’m doing with God right now.

my ears are pierced.

I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the LORD.

Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, O LORD my God,

are the wonders you have done.

The things you planned for us

no one can recount to you;

were I to speak and tell of them,

they would be too many to declare.

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,

by my ears you have pierced;

burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.

Then I said, "Here I am, I have come--

it is written about me in the scroll.

I desire to do your will, O my God;

your law is within my heart."

Psalm 40:1-8

birches.

I've always really enjoyed this. Hope you enjoy...

When I see birches bend to left and right

Across the lines of straighter darker trees,

I like to think some boy's been swinging them.

But swinging doesn't bend them down to stay.

Ice-storms do that. Often you must have seen them

Loaded with ice a sunny winter morning

After a rain. They click upon themselves

As the breeze rises, and turn many-coloured

As the stir cracks and crazes their enamel.

Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed crystal shells

Shattering and avalanching on the snow-crust

Such heaps of broken glass to sweep away

You'd think the inner dome of heaven had fallen.

They are dragged to the withered bracken by the load,

And they seem not to break; though once they are bowed

So low for long, they never right themselves:

You may see their trunks arching in the woods

Years afterwards, trailing their leaves on the ground,

Like girls on hands and knees that throw their hair

Before them over their heads to dry in the sun.

But I was going to say when Truth broke in

With all her matter-of-fact about the ice-storm,

I should prefer to have some boy bend them

As he went out and in to fetch the cows--

Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,

Whose only play was what he found himself,

Summer or winter, and could play alone.

One by one he subdued his father's trees

By riding them down over and over again

Until he took the stiffness out of them,

And not one but hung limp, not one was left

For him to conquer. He learned all there was

To learn about not launching out too soon

And so not carrying the tree away

Clear to the ground. He always kept his poise

To the top branches, climbing carefully

With the same pains you use to fill a cup

Up to the brim, and even above the brim.

Then he flung outward, feet first, with a swish,

Kicking his way down through the air to the ground.

So was I once myself a swinger of birches.

And so I dream of going back to be.

It's when I'm weary of considerations,

life is too much like a pathless wood

Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs

Broken across it, and one eye is weeping

From a twig's having lashed across it open.

I'd like to get away from earth awhile

And then come back to it and begin over.

May no fate willfully misunderstand me

And half grant what I wish and snatch me away

Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:

I don't know where it's likely to go better.

I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree

And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk

Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,

But dipped its top and set me down again.

That would be good both going and coming back.

One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

"Birches"

Robert Frost

Juan.

It was our team’s last day in the Peruvian village as they were packing up I had snuck off to say goodbye to a specific villager that had touched my heart during our time there.

His name was Juan. We met by God’s divine plan as I was walking the narrow path through his property. Shortly after surviving a nearly deadly encounter with a Cebu, completely consumed with thoughts of where my kids were in relation to I was and if it was really that smart to be wandering the jungle alone, I heard him call to me. It wasn’t that his calling to me was odd…a lot of locals call us as we pass by (probably something about being American. In the jungle. Doesn’t happen too often around those parts) but it was that he was calling to me in English. It caught my attention and quickly found my way safely around the Cebu and to his doorstep.

We shared the afternoon together, a twenty something American girl and the 60 year old Peruvian man. We talked and chatted over fresh sugar cane, through broken English he shared the mystic legends of the jungle, and I spoke in my broken Spanish of America. A small group of kids from my team passed by and we called to them. Juan chopped some more sugar cane and we chatted more of his life as the children’s director at the local church and the recent miracle involving one of the children there. I shortly got up to leave the students to connect and went on to connect with some of the other parts of the team.

In the days to come I would often stop in at Juan’s. He was one of the first houses along the narrow path that lead through the small jungle village, and as I would pass by he would call to me. He would twist my arm into eating some more sugar cane and he would pick my brain with questions about his English vocabulary, and God, and faith. One afternoon as I stopped in with a new group of kids from the team (I was determined to be sure that everyone had their chance to engage in conversation with this incredible man of God) he spoke of a dream he had the night prior. The dream involved a swarm of butterflies coming to visit him, but their faces were are faces, and he knew we were coming. He had the pieces of sugar cane chopped and waiting for us when we got there that day. Exactly enough, one for each of us, he really did know we were coming; coming with the spirit. He loved to sing, and sometimes we (myself and whatever group of students were with me) would sit and sing old hymns or worship songs, and he would share with us ones he knew in Spanish.

As our friendship unfolded it became more and more beautiful to me. He encouraged me as a leader, and I him. And by the end of our short stay, I was sad to need to say goodbye.
So as I snuck away to have a few last moments with Juan before our departure, he surprised me by wanting to come and address the team. So I left him with the promise to wait until his arrival at our base camp before we left. And so with tents all packed and storage bins stacked we waited. Juan soon arrived along with a gathering of other villagers and through teary eyes he addressed the team, thanked us for everything we had done in the hearts of his neighbors, and hugged us all tight. We all turned to leave and after ushering off the last kid with the last bundle of empty water jugs in tow I turned and said my goodbyes. He passed me a small note; we embraced and spoke of our seeing each other again, some day.

I recently found this note haphazardly in a drawer with a few other random things that are dear to me, but I'm not sure what to do with. It saddend me because I could hardly understand what it said, but I knew it was dear to me. I often think of Juan, and pray for him, and his ministry. Worlds apart yet connected in ways only imagineable in God's mind.

peeps.

The conversation still resonates in my mind. A frustrating argument. A friend trying to be there in a moment of crisis and overwhelming emotion. Snide sarcasm in order to build a fortress around my heart. A simple,” what can I do to help?” Turns into a bitter response,” nothing, I’ve spent a great deal of time making sure I don’t need anything, that I can take care of myself.” A defeated response. “I know.”

In immediate retrospect I hated this spat. But now I relish in it, because I realized so much about myself. As it plays through my head even now I laugh on the inside recognizing God’s hand in it all. As though God said, you think you’re strong eh? I’ll show you how to need people.

I’m recognizing once again the beauty of the body of Christ. The beauty of relationship at all levels. Relationship that calls you out on your junk, that pulls you back from the fire when you can’t seem to do it yourself. Friendship that comes through a phone call; lives miles apart yet connected in ways only fathomable in God’s mind. The simplicity of just being able to be and be quiet, together, and have the comfort wash over you that all is well in the world at that very moment. The joy of children, and the love they give without needing anything in return. The obnoxious uncontrollable friend who barely lets you get a breath in between the incessant laughter. The overprotective sibs that are ready to face anything for each other.

I’m recognizing more and more my need for people. Not just for them to be faces in my life, but for them to really KNOW me. To allow them “in” and help me along this road…

each day.

It’s quiet.
It’s early. My coffee is HOT.
The sky is still black.
The world is still asleep.
The day is coming.

In a few moments the day will arrive.
It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decision to be made and deadlines to be met. For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the days’ demands. It is now I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I’m free to choose.
And so I choose.

I choose Love.
No occasion justifies hatred; No injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I choose Joy
I will invite God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical…the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I choose Peace.
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I choose Patience.
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I’ll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I choose Kindness.
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. I will be kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I choose Goodness.
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.

I choose faithfulness.
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My wife will not question my love. And my children will never fear their father will not come home.

I choose gentleness.
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist may it be only in prayer, If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I am a spiritual being.
After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ.
I choose self control.

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control.
To these I commit my day.
I f I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail I will seek his grace.
And then when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest.

~Max Lucado

beautiful ending.

This has been stuck in my head for a few days.
Its good.

Oh, tragedy

Has taken so many

Love lost cause they all

Forgot who You were

And it scares me to think

That I would choose

My life over You

My selfish heart

Divides me from You

It tears us apart

So tell me What is our ending?

Will it be beautiful So beautiful?

Oh, why do I Let myself let go

Of hands that painted the stars

And hold tears that fall?

And the pride of my heart

Makes me forget

It's not me but You

Who makes the heart beat

I'm lost without You

And dying from me

So tell me

What is our ending?

Will it be beautiful

So beautiful?

Will my life Find me by Your side?

Your love is beautiful

So beautiful

At the end of it all I wanna be in Your arms

At the end of it all I wanna be in Your arms

At the end of it all I wanna be in Your arms

At the end of it all I wanna be in Your arms

So tell me What is our ending?

Will it be beautiful So beautiful?

Will my life Find me by Your side?

Your love is beautiful So beautiful

"Beautiful Ending"

~Barlow Girl

good morning

I’m not too certain what time I got out of bed this morning, it’s the beauty of lake life. I know it was relatively early, but not dawns crack early. Regardless I had it on my mind that I was going to fish this morning, and everyone knows the best time to do that is early morning. I got some stuff around and walked out on the screen porch and was greeted by a dense fog on the lake. My mind trailed off into a memory of when I was young and took the rowboat out on a similar morning to this one, and couldn’t find my way back to shore. I smiled to myself remembering how Paca came to my rescue. I could hear the calm slapping of the water against the dock which disappeared into the fog, though I knew it was there somewhere. I decided to make my way out there anyway, I mean, I did invest in the fishing license might as well use it.

The staircase down to the lake greeted me with damp moss covered stairs and an uncanny amount of spider web strung from rail to rail, the sun streamed through the dewy webs at the corner of nearly every railing. I smiled and thought the spiders were sure busy last night, and opted to use my fishing pole to knock them down through the areas I was walking.

I got down to the dock and unsnapped the dewy cover from the boat and loaded my gear inside. I hopped in and unsnapped the rest, thought for a moment about testing my knowledge and taking the boat out. A usually on a trip like this there’s a rowboat around, or we bring one, and on mornings like this I’ll just troll around for a couple hours basking in the early morning calm on the lake. This year there’s only the speedboat. I thought twice and decided against it, opting instead to just sit across the back of the boat and fish from there until Pablo was ready.
Pablo is what I call my brother when he becomes my Chauffer while I fish. He’s not much of a fisherman and would much rather man the motorized things. He chose this name for himself, it makes me laugh.

By this time the early morning fog is lifting from the lake, revealing several fishing boats, and later the cottages start showing their faces from across the lake, and I exhale deeply as I listen to the herons and sparrows chime in to the other music of my morning.

It isn’t too long before my sister arrives, and starts belting from the screen porch words to me that I don’t really want to answer, I’m in the zone, but I do anyway, I’m glad she’s here. It isn’t too long before she makes her way down to the lake, as well as Pablo, sporting his moosen P.J.’s mom made him. The three of us and cooper (my sisters dog and beloved family pet) decide to take a ride to the “good spot” to hopefully have a little more luck with the fishing. Neither of them wants to fish, but I’m enjoying the company and welcome their offer to join me.

We sit for a while, as I cast in and out, fight with a couple fish to no avail. Lose a few worms, which win me some sarcastic comments from my siblings, but I don’t care, I’m living. Pablo turns on the radio in the boat and my sister instantly starts singing. I go for another worm and cooper shows up to sniff out what’s in the container and walks away with random dirt chunks hanging from his chin fur. I laugh, Rachel is grossed out, and this makes me laugh more. A swan family approaches and we reminisce about my brother’s near death experience with the swans from the day prior. We fill Rachel in and we all have a good laugh. As I cast and reel in I can’t help but be thankful for this moment, and for my siblings.

It s quickly decided that we’re hungry and ready to get back for some breakfast, so Pablo takes us home safely and as we climb the stairs back up to the cottage we are greeted by the smell of bacon frying and dad whistling whatever oldies tune he has playing on the old 8track radio player he found in the closet. Rachel instantly chimes in with song and soon we are all singing as we walk back into the screen porch. Mom can be found at her sewing table creating her latest and greatest, smiling along as the family gets things together for breakfast. Even cooper gets an egg as we all settle down on the screen porch for breakfast.

Just as we finish breakfast “brown-eyed-girl” comes on and my sister quickly turns up the radio as we gather up the plates and dishes and quickly clean things up we sing along. Mom scoops up the dog and smashes his face in to hers and dad starts dancing along in the living room with whichever daughter is nearest at the time. C.J’s already lost getting gas in the boats and air in the tubes.

I exhale and inhale deeply and relish the moment, knowing they are few and far between; wishing we could stay like this forever. With the oldies playing on the 8track, the lingering smell of bacon, and the sounds of the lake crashing against the shoreline. A new day awaits us.

.originaly written 7/24/09.

balance.

I was a part of this team building exercise once where a group of us, perhaps 6-8 or so had to stand up on this platform about 4 ft off the ground. The platform moved from side to side and back and forth, setting only on a single support at the very center. The object of the exercise was to move everyone to different parts of the platform in order for it to balance evenly and stay steady. It seemed easy enough, but of course it wasn’t long before the person moderating the exercise threw in a twist. Everyone had to close their eyes except for one person, who couldn’t move from the center.
It didn’t take us too long to figure it out, but it was challenging enough trying to call people to move in different directions, knowing that somewhat their safety was on the line (who wants to fall from a 4 ft high platform?) and also trying to communicate effectively throughout the exercise.
I had the unfortunate task for part of this project, of being the person “glued” to the center of the platform. Calling out names of friends I had just met, hoping they were right, asking them to move sheer inches right or left, forward or back wary ever so about them being misdirected and falling completely, or moving them in the wrong direction and the platform unexpectedly dropping at one end or another.
There were obvious reasons why this was one of the exercises we had to go through during this particular training, but recently this moment came to mind as I’ve been spending some serious time trying to bring some balance to my life. My heart has been so torn the past couple months between different friends, friend groups, church, work, family, other random things….mental health time. And for me it’s not necessarily making the decision to do whatever is going on, but it’s while taking part in that not yearning to be somewhere else, with other people. Truly being where I am mentally and physically.
I’ve been working on it, and it’s been going fairly well. It’s a work in progress. Regardless as I think back on this team building exercise I can visibly see the importance of everyone’s place in my “platform life” and how important it is to keep them in balance, or else other friends or facets to life will suddenly fall to the wayside. At the same time I can see how it is important to prioritize the closeness I have with certain things in order to maintain healthy balance.

declaration.

I've done most of my international travel, "missions trips" with an organization called Global Expeditions. They're pretty great, if you have teenagers or are a teenager sensing God's call to go to the nations...I would recommend checking them out.

One thing that's basically a staple on their trips is this "Declaration of a World changer." Its basically a short paragraph that is said at meal times, and in the morning, and whenever otherwise deemed necessary by leadership. It usually takes about 3 days into the trip to memorize it because it is said that often.

Its good, its meaty, and if you let it truly wash over your day, its powerful.

This declaration is on my mind this morning, so I thought I'd share it with y'all :)

Today I will live honorably through my thoughts actions and speech. I choose to be full of faith; I will not only be a hearer but a doer of the word of God. I will serve before I demand, I will love and not hate, and I will give before I take. Today, I choose to make a difference in this world and to be a part of something bigger than myself. I choose to dedicate my life to prayer and ask God for his miraculous power and the courage to do the impossible. I will make Godly Relationships a priority in my life as I esteem others higher than myself. Today I will live my life in such a way, that I will change the world!

busy.

About oooh a year and a half go...two years, I had this really great conversation with a friend. The end result was that we were going to try to not ever use the word busy. There were many reasons for this. Busy by definition is discribed as being charactarized by activiy, or not at leisure.

So many people throw around this term. Oh how are you...Good, just busy. Hey we havent talked in a while...I know I've been busy. Sorry I havent returned your call, i'm busy.

bah, it makes me crazy just thinking about it.

God calls us to live full lives in him. If we stay in tuned and keep our actions within his will, then there should be no BUSY. It should be purposeful activity, and leisure within his timing.

I feel like Americans are good with this; being busy that is. Like the busier we are, the more successful we are. No longer is an evening home with the one you love an ok activity. Instead we are constantly going and doing something.

One of the most dreaded days at work for me is Monday. I think this is probably most people's most dreaded day, but I think for me it is for different reasons. You see, on Monday there is the obvious question to ask. "how was your weekend." I'd be willing to put money down on the amount of times the response I get is "oh it was so busy." Even worse then this response is then the follow up conversation that involves the list of activities any given co-worker dumps on me. All I can do is walk away and say, you're right, you are busy. From time to time there's the occasional friend who i engage in a similar conversation. Yet as they list on their weekend's pack of activity i realize, they weren't busy, they were loved. Their life is full of love and joy and caring...and at what point did it become easier to begrudgingly talk about it, then say I had an incredible weekend full of the love of family and friends. When did the attitude turn to busy, instead of life overflowing with goodness. what a blessing.

I just don't get it

I had the crazy realization the other day, that this summer is slowing creeping into the stage of busy. I've said it to a few people recently, that I have this gnawing feeling that I'm going to wake up sometime in September and wonder where the summer went. There's LOTS of fun things going on, and as the planning of activities continues, and summer is now somewhat in full swing, I'm wary of being too busy of my weekends and days becoming too full. That the things that are important fade into the background as activity filled days trump out days of leisure, and I too become busy.

Busy...the new dirty 4 letter word


seiriously makes me cringe when I hear it.

hug.

Hug Poem

by: Bradley Hathaway

I read about how you touched them and they were healed

Or even if someone just touched your cloak they were forever changed

You let a broken woman bathe your feet in her tears

And you washed your best friends feet

I'm just wondering though did you ever hug people.

I mean, I know that it is a silly question at all I'm sure you would have why wouldn't you

But its one of those things that was never mentioned that got me thinking about it

And how whenever there was a touch from you sins were forgiven and sickness fell

I think I'm caught up in my sins last time I checked all my body parts were properly working, nothing special here

I'm just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets.

I don't think our encounter would have ended up in the gospels or anything

Because all I really need is a hug

That is ok for me to imagine right

That's not going to be conflicting with any sort of theology is it

Ok good, then hug me

But not one of these side ways one arm around the neck type hugs

Or the ghetto right hand clasp fists elbows to the chest pit pat on the back back

Or you put your right arm over my right arm and I put my left arm over your left arm and we make this weird sort of diagonal thing

Nah none of those

BEAR HUG ME MAN

Take your old school carpenter arms and throw them over my upper body leaving my arms dangling underneath yours somewhere and I can barely move them because you're squeezing so hard

But don't pick me up and make my back pop because I hate it when people do that

And hold me, hold me here in your arms until I start to cry because

I want to cry

But I just can't seem to do it on my own

I have been teary eyed once recently but not enough for a drip down my cheek

There's just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged so hold me in this hold pose until the pain is flowing from my eyes and my nose.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_flSjlyqijM

Here.

It seems strange to me how 4 years ago I couldn't have fathomed living here, and yet as we round out 2 years since graduation and my moving home, here is still where I am.

Its not that here is a bad place, I've just always craved and hungered after more. More then this. More then the 9-5 job, church on Sundays, aimless conversation, and youthful entertainment. And all those things encompass what here was in my mind.

I've learned that wherever "here" is at the moment, it isn't hard before it turns into the exact definition that I held this place to in years prior. The trick is I never planned to stay in one place long enough for it to become that.

I became good at running. Running from here meant being there, and there sounded like a much better place to spend my life then here. I could have conversation with people, good conversation and not be too concerned about what I said, because soon enough I wouldn't probably see them again. I could work the 9-5 job because I knew I wouldn't be there too long, and there was always a light at the end of the tunnel. Everything I involved myself in as I traveled different places was much easier...in my head anyway...because it had a definitive end.

Unlike here.

Here are the friendships that are still going to be here in a few weeks/months. Here is where I'm held accountable to my actions because there is long term commitment involved. Here is where I cant walk away from relationships I'm frustrated in; but I need to work them out. Here is where I work out how my gifts and passions related to my daily life. There is no more here box and there box, it is all one; and its tricky working all aspects of who I am into one box.

Everyone always thinks traveling elsewhere is scary. Its here that's scary. Here takes commitment, and growth. Confrontation and accountability. Its easy to slip through the cracks when you're always there and never here.

He leads me.

All the way my Savior leads me

Who have I to ask beside

How could I doubt his tender mercy

Who through life has been my guide

All the way my Savior leads me

Cheers each winding road I tread

Gives me grace for every trial

Feeds me with the living bread

You lead me and keep me from falling

You carry me close to your heart

And surely Your goodness

And mercy will follow me.

All the way my Savior leads me

Oh, the fullness of His love

Oh, the sureness of his promise

In the triumph of His Blood

And when my spirit clothed immortal

Wings its flight to realms of day

This my song through endless ages

Jesus lead me all the way

You lead me and keep me from falling

You carry me close to your heart

And surely Your goodness

And mercy will follow me, will follow me

All the way my Savior leads me.

~Chris Tomlin

ZoobalieZoo.

First of all, anyone remember this TV show from when we were little? ZoobalieZoo?
Looking back on it it was a creepy show involving people dressed up like animals and they went on futuristic adventures. I loved it at the time.

Anywho. That's not the real topic at hand here.

I had the pleasure of joining a friend and her son to the zoo a couple weeks ago. I had this random Tuesday off work, and it was a beautiful day, so it sounded like a marvelous idea.

I've had mixed emotions about this whole zoo thing for a couple years now. It basically came after spending some time in other areas of the world where the animals I typically loved at the zoo, ran free. Ergo, the zoo made me sad for the animals caged up in it; especially thinking that people were spending money on it. The whole system there was just backward to me.

But I mean, its a fun day with friends, so I went.

And it was a fabulous day, but it didn't leave me thinking any differently about the whole caged animal thing.

In fact, as I drove home that day I thought about the animals caged up, forever looking at the same walls and it made me think of us, as Americans in the daily grind. Working 9-5 at a seemingly endless job, staring at the same 4 walls, day in and day out. Bleh.

I looked at these animals caged up, lethargic to life. All their animal instincts stripped down. Everything they ever really "need" handed to them on a silver platter. I am no animal rights activist but I couldn't help that a little part of me wanted to let them free. To let them run free for miles and miles. To run and explore and to hunt their own prey.

To be all that God had created them to be.

I wonder what would happen if all those stuck in this American way of days full of cubicle sitting and aimless conversation would break free, and let their hearts run wild; their passions pour out.
What would it be like then?

memory lane.

There's this old box on the top shelf in my closet that I keep all my old journals.
A few days ago a friend asked me a question which lead me into this box, but it wasn't too long before I found myself in the middle of my bedroom floor with journals surrounding me.

I love flipping through the pages of old journals and looking back on where I came from and who I was in comparison to who I am now. In many ways I am a complete reflection of who I was several years ago, and yet in others I am unrecognizable.

The pages of these journals are packed full of emotion and and angst. There are tear stained pages, and dirt stained pages. Pages pleading with God about the longings of my heart, and frustrations of growing up in the house I did.

For a while I tried to change journals with every new chapter in my life, and looking back over them this was helpful as I read my life transition from high school, to college, to several missions trips and an internship, and back home again.

It was disappointing to read that some of the same things I struggled with years ago, I am still struggling with, and yet encouraging to see some other mountains I have overcome.

While reading some of the more tumultuous events I even began to cry, seriously remembering how I felt in that moment, and then I laughed....because I was crying.

It was a good night in.

Stupendous Day

Day's off work are always enjoyable things, but it isnt too often that I get a day off without something already planned for the day.
Today was one of those.
It was Stupendous :)

Here are the things that went into making today a Stupendous day:

*Sleeping in
*Waking up to my dog wanting to climb in bed with me, helping him up in bed, and then sleeping some more
*Dad made breakfast, it was waiting when I actually did get up.
*Late church (generally more relaxed then early church)
*Skirts = Summertime!
*Lunch with friends
*Wandering around Target, just cuz its fun, with great company.
*Pedicure
*Reading a good book, outside.
*Planted and re-potted some plants (Hubert had babies!)
*Chocolate covered strawberries for dinner
*Endless NCIS reruns to watch with my dad
*Cleaning out the inbox.

hm. yeap. that's a good chunk of them. And the day's not even over :)

Smack.

I think one of my favorite, yet most loathed moments in growing in my faith would be the parental smack on the back of my head that I figuratively get every now and again from my creator. I basically hate to love it.

Last week was pretty crazy, mother's day and all had work pretty crazy, and I so I was working a lot at top speed. Needless to say once I got home, I basically sat in a vegetative state and stared blankly at all that went on around me. This goes to say that when I couldn't fall asleep last Wednesday night, I was pretty frustrated, because I knew I was going to need all the quality sleep I could get.

So I was up wrestling with my thoughts, and started to pray...this is an old trick i do..it tends to calm my spirit, and more often then not there's a good reason why I'm not able to sleep...God is up to something.

So I was praying and wrestling over some happenings going on, and decided to read for a bit. I'm still working my way through this book Spiritual Leadership by J. Oswald Chambers. Its VERY good, and recommend it to anybody.

Needless to say, I came across this:
"The person who is impatient with weakness will be ineffective in his leadership. The evidence of our strength lies not in the distance that separates us from other runners but in our closure with them, our slower pace for their sakes, our helping them pick it up and cross the line."

I couldn't even finish the rest of the chapter, I just kept rereading this section of the chapter and letting my mind mull it over, letting it sink in.

So let me tell you the other half of the story.

There's this older woman at work who drives me absolutely out of my mind. She basically had my job, until I came back and quickly learned all there was to know about the job...and more. She is not happy about this, and sometimes struggles with what her roll is. Instead of trying to figure this out and being flexible, she tends to just not do anything. This is the part where she drives me out of my mind. I can literally work circles around her, and she continues to move at turtle speed and on completely off the wall projects. She's not one to take initiative nor really offer to do anything remotely physically challenging. All this is enough to handle on a normal day, but amidst mothers day mayham....it was just a little over the top.

In the end, I was being a bit short tonged, and instead of confronting rationally, I was lashing out. Of this, I am not proud of. But its the truth.

So I jotted this quote down, and stuck it in my shirt pocket (yes I'm one of those nerdy people who run around work with at least 5 papers in my pocket at any given time). Throughout the rest of the week I pulled it out from time to time, and re-read it. It really helped and through this I also realized what God was asking me to do.


All i can say is. I'm working on it.

I will walk five hundred miles.

Ok, so maybe not a hundred.

This is a little past due, but its on my mind.
A couple weeks ago was the official March of Dimes walk that I took part in.
Many of you supported me, and donated. Thanks a million.

The walk for me wasn't so much about raising the most money, or finishing first; it was about healing. Last July a friend of mine had a son who was born at 27 weeks. SUPER premature. He was a fighter, and fought for 7 months, until his little heart just couldn't withstand this life any longer. It was truly devastating. Especially to this couple in particular, since they had tried for so long to get pregnant, were told it wasn't possible...and then this little miracle happened.

I think when things like this happen its fairly normal to ask the question why. Why after so much struggle and heartache was this little boy born premature. And then after so long and fighting so hard, why was his life taken from here?

No one has the answers, only God does. He was a precious little boy, and not soon to be forgotten. In the wake of this horrible event, his parents began putting together this walk. The March of Dimes had helped them out tremendously as they do with many families dealing with premature infants, and so they decided to put this together in memory of their little boy. And it was truly special.

I think people deal with grief in different ways. And I cant imagine ever completely "getting over" a loss such as this. However things like memory walks and such are sure good ways of putting your grief to good use. So on April 26, my 24th birthday, about 50 of us gathered in bright orange "team Tommy" t-shirts around this couple mourning their son's death. And walked. We walked despite ourselves to merely be there for a friend in need.

It was a precious moment as I stood at the final marker (after already finishing my walk) and watched as these friends approached the finish line together, hand in hand. Smiling.


Our team was the largest family team the March of Dimes has seen in the Bourbonnais area, and also raised the most money for a family team in the county. In the words of my friend who had lost her son.."thank you for turning something horrible, into something good."


this was truly beautiful

old.

Its ironic to me how NOT thrilled about your birthday you get when you get older. When you're young you wait all year for your birthday, when its someone else's birthday it makes you sad, cuz you want it to be YOUR birthday. Its all you can do to maintain your 5 year old lifestyle when secretly you wished you were 6 or even better 10.

This is not the case when you get older. Suddenly age brings along a whole slew of not so pleasant side effects, and all you want is to be 5 again. Ok, maybe not five, but if i could be like 20 forever, that'd be pretty great.

My birthday is this weekend, and though I am still skimming by in the early twenty category, I'm hanging dangerously on the edge.

Regardless of all this, I have noticed myself getting old. And this scares me. I have compiled a list of the occurrences that signify my ageing.

#1 Staying up past 10:00 is a REALLY big deal.
#2 I have varicose veins, or at least the starts of them.
#3 I have a chin hair. Yes, ONE chin hair. gross...
#4 I drive a Taurus. enough said.
#5 About 75% of my friends are married, and have children.
#6 I have a life insurance policy.
#7 I like broccoli....I CRAVE broccoli.
#8 I'm really quite terrible at texting. ESPECIALLY while driving. Its just safer to call, I envy
young kids that can text without even looking at their phone.
#9 I have been caught (and later mocked) referring to life in high school/college as "those
were the days."
#10 Mt. Dew give me a stomach ache when drunken on an empty stomach.

Jesus thinks i'm a SQUARE???

I'm on facebook earlier tonight, and I happen to see an old acquaintance of mine had taken this quiz called "What does Jesus think of you?" I was shocked, appalled, and a bit curious. I mean apparently in a 5 question survey you can find out what Jesus thinks of you.

So i took the quiz.

I am a square.

This is how it defines me: "You always do the right thing if you can and you've lived a life that follows the path of the living Christ. Pat yourself on the back, Jesus thinks you're boring."

JESUS THINKS I"M BORING!?!?!
This is where the appalled part comes into play...

But seriously, this makes me sad. Especially when I see people who are far from God take this quiz and have it tell them that Jesus thinks they're stupid, or lazy, or whatever else it might say.

The truth is Jesus thinks you're the most incredible thing to ever happen, and he promises much more to you then anything a 5 question quiz could answer.

Is it Easter?

Immediately following a minor situation involving a broken glass bowl and a friends finger, I found myself at the local walgreens picking up some first aide supplies. This was interesting enough to say the least. Though the bowl may have seen better days, I am a firm believer that after some healing, the finger will function at full capacity once again.

So I'm standing in line at the Walgreens and the lady a couple of people in front of me (yes there was a line at the walgreens at 8:30 on a Sat. night) was writing a check, so she asked the date and what have you. This was followed by the phrase, wait what day is it? Is today Easter?

Immediately my heart sank. I wanted to scream and say Really? you dont know when easter is? I mean, its only the most incredible day.....EVER.

Most incredible day. EVER

Easter....Chreaster...

In light of the Easter festivities this weekend...I will not be churching.
Not at "my" church anyway.
Turns out the fam is going to visit with my sister in Michigan, and well...I'm going with.
She's even making Easter dinner.....should be interesting. :)

This however, made my decision as to which of the million services my church has, I should go to fairly simple...thank goodness.

I've been hearing a lot of talk about these Chreasters lately. Mostly negative talk. I get it. People that only go to church on Christmas and Easter, somehow trying to fill the void in their life on two days of the year, ecetera, and so on. To the average church goer....these people should be looked down upon.

SO lets talk about the speck at the plank story found in Matthew 7. I think churchy people are so quick to judge the outsider and it drives me nuts. So what if these people only come to church twice a year, at least they are coming! How many people refuse to even step inside a church to hear the good news? Not only that, but how many people go to church their entire lives and still don't get "it." Perhaps one day, one Christmas or Easter, something will stick. What an incredible ministry opportunity! I cant wait for the oh yeah I used to be a Chreaster...and then I realized God wont fit into two Sundays a year only at church story.

So I'm praying for the Creasters, that they will find something this weekend at whatever church they decide to go to that they just cant leave to two days a year.


If I were you, I would go to the least "popular" church service this Sunday. Free up some room for those creasters, and while you're sitting there at the 8:00 service, you can pray for all the people that are going to be filling that room at various parts of the day. And just think, you'll get home in time to take a nap before hitting up all the family shindigs going on the rest of the day.

March Of Dimes

I am walking in the March of Dimes this year. A friend of mine lost her child recently and so a few of us have gathered around and decided to put our grief to good use. We're walking in memory of Tommy, and to help support this great cause which aided in helped Tommy fight his battle for life. Please consider making donation! Thanks!

Here are the facts :

Who: Team Tommy and Me!

What: March of Dimes walk for babies
When: April 26
Why: Tommy Nelson was born at 27 weeks gestation and lived at Corner’s Children’s Hospital for 7 1/2 months until his heart failed. He was fortunate to be able to survive for that time thanks to the research funded by the March of Dimes. A group of us have decided to walk in memory of Tommy with the hope that in the future babies will not suffer the same fate. Premature birth touches half a million babies and their families every year. March of Dimes is working hard to help mom’s have full term pregnancies and healthy babies.
How you can join: Please consider sponsoring our team with your donation.
Every dollar makes a difference!
Make a donation today!


To make a donation you can either go here: http://www.marchforbabies.org/boomsmac
or you can call me or e-mail me!

exit 315

From my house if you hop on 57 and head south, in about 45 min. you'll come up on exit 315. Here you'll find the quaint little town of Bourbonnais. And I say its quaint because I grew up in the Chicago suburbs, but to most people there...its a pretty big deal.

I had the fabulous opporutnity to visit some friends in Bourbonnais this weekend. It never ceases to amaze me that no matter where I am, or what reasons I'm visiting, I head down that exit ramp at mile marker 315 and I feel like I'm stepping back into a moment in time. I can sigh and breathe deep...like a part of me is home again.

I opt to drive straight through campus instead of taking main streets to the other side of town, it saddens me to see unrecognizable faces. A campus that I know like the back of my hand, yet seems oddly unfamiliar. New buildings, new people...students who are defining who they really are in this life that God has given us.

As I look back on this place, I am thankful. Thankful for a place where I could really figure out who I was, and who God was. A place where I met the best of friends, persued missions for the first time, and recieved an education....with a Christian purpose.

MARCH...because its march.

So long story short, there's this kid hanging out at work with us. He happens to be the boss's grandson...he's about 6. He idolizes me, I think he's the cutest thing ever, it works out well for us. Needless to say he's by my side most of the time he's with us, which is ok by me.

The point is, we were walking through the greenhouse to go get a plant for something and he stops me in my tracks and goes. WAIT! We have to MARCH! I was like huh? why? And he giggles and says, BECAUSE ITS MARCH!!! So I started marching.... I asked him what we do when it becomes April, and he wasn't quite sure. I told him to ask his teacher and let me know so I can be prepared.

Anywho, the purpose of this post was to recap March, now that its over...and I'm no longer marching.

Top 5 happenings:

1. I met Shane Claiborne...and it changed my life. But really it didn't. It was pretty sweet to get to meet him, I LOVE his thoughts on life and faith, but the truth is, I didn't leave radically ready to take on the world. Which is probably a good thing.

2. Due to the spontaneous midweek drive to see Shane Claiborne, I was able to have random midweek dinner with a couple of my favorite people. It was oodles of fun, and I miss them terribly.

3. I gave up Facebook. Mainly for lent....though I do use it on Sundays. It has been VERY good for me. I found myself in more face to face conversations with people, and instead of writing a random thing on their "wall" I found out how they REALLY were doing...which was pretty fantastic. I'm considering giving this up long term...

4. I saw Chris Tomlin, Israel Houghton and New Breed in concert. It was pretty incredible. Also a highlight of this evening was running into a friend from a trip I was on two years ago. It was pretty great catching up with her, even if only briefly.

5. I officially became a member of the church I have been attending. This is a HUGE step for me. My "papers" are still at the church I grew up in, which I haven't been to in years. It is good to commit to a community of believers, and truly say...I'm walking the next part of the road with you.


the end.

life.

I was on my way home Saturday night when something nearly tragic, nearly awful, nearly catastrophic happend.

I was in a car with some friends on the way back from the north side...it was rainy, icey, and well conditions werent really condusive to easy driving. It came out of no where, we had full control....and then didnt. Just like that. Mid-conversation, abrupt, out of no where.
We were spiraling out of control.

Oddly enough I wasnt scared. I just closed my eyes and waited for it to be over, peaking only to notice we were headed in a completely different direction then we were moments before. The entire thing only lasted probably 15 seconds, and just like that we were back in the lane we had been in initially, and on our way once again.

I'm thankful there was no one immediately surrounding us on the highway at that moment.
I'm thankful that God knows how to get our attention, and yet protects us from harm.
I'm thankful for life.

take me to your leader.

I started leading thing at a very young age. I'm not sure how old you are when you're in the 5th grade, but it was in the 5th grade. It's possible I had taken the role as 'leader' prior to the 5th grade, but it was then that I can remember physically leading something.

I wish I could say its been all uphill since then...but the reality is that leading is something I have done really well, and have failed miserably at. I have led in a wide array of capacities from youth rallies and missions trips to simply challenging the thinking of others and standing up for whats right...even if it wasn't easy.

In the last year or two (since the fall after college) I have intentionally not led anything...outright. It was the end of a crazy time in life where I literally went from one big event to another, leading this and running that moving here and living there. In many ways I had lost sight of who I was and where I came from....and more importantly where I was going.

So I moved home, hung out, practiced being instead of doing and finally dealt with some old hurts and wounds. It has been beautiful. I've reconnected with many old friends, and picked up some new ones. I became apart of this community of 20somethings at a church I now belong to....which was a HUGE step for me. I've pulled pieces of my experiences over the last few years and discovered how intimately they are connected and define this story I'm living in.

Over the last few months I find myself in the midst of these 'things' coming up, leadership opportunities. Like life is moving again, and if I don't watch out I'll soon be spinning faster and faster with all these things making me "busy." But I'm realizing this sense of maturity within me. Wiser choices and a stronger connect with the one who created me to lead.

I was going to lead this trip, and am now I'm not, but in preparation for the trip I was reading this book, Spiritual Leadership...by Oswald....something-or-other. It has been good for me. To sit and think about leadership, and not get thrown into it. And if I have discovered one thing during this time since I've been home, its that I was created to lead.

Lead what...I'm not sure, but I know where to start. Right where I'm planted.

defining moment

Its an interesting moment in life when you can see up ahead on the path you are walking a defining moment. A moment which will alter the way you do things. That what you look like now is going to look vastly different in the next few days, weeks, months, years. Somtimes its one moment that you immedialtely see the effects of. Soemtimes its a series of things.

I think its even more interesting when you can see these things approach someone you care deeply for. And despite how much it might also effect your life, it is nothing in comparison to what it is going to do in theirs.

I dont know if these things are better off being unexepected, or if its easier to see them approaching. I suppose the thought would be that if you can see them comming you can prepare yourself for them. And yet, there are some things that I just dont know if you can prepare for.

I'm excited and anxious, yet nervious and wary.
I'm not sure if I'm ready for this, but it doesnt matter if I am ready.

be still my beating heart.

moral compass or creator of the universe?

I decided to run some errands after dinner tonight and as I made a right turn out of my street towards the West I found myself staring directly into the most beautiful sunset I've seen in a long time. The sun was just touching the horizon and was the biggest round fiery orange ball I've ever seen. I wondered to myself if its possible for the sun to be bigger on certain days then others. I shrugged it off for a google search later and sat back and smiled in amazement at God's creation.

I'm realizing more and more lately a tragic downfall of American Christianity is the fact that God is no longer depicted as the creator of the universe but more or less a moral compass by which we guide our lives. I've found myself in more then one conversation in recent weeks which i was so discouraged by my realization that people i used to look to for guidance, and sometimes still do, weren't in fact the on fire Christians I thought they were, but rather good people with good morals and good intentions.

This is a struggle of mine. Add it too my list of frustrations with American Christianity I suppose. Regardless I'm sick of stuffy churches filled with good people. God never intended for us to keep him in a box with a steeple. My heart yearns for these people to see that God doesn't care about all these rules and regulations. To open their eyes to the fact that he created the universe and each of us. That we weren't created to live comfortable little lives, constantly pushing to get ahead and have better things. We were created to have a relationship with this Creator and to let him work and move through us. If we would just stop asking God to "bless" this or that, and realize he already HAS blessed us; and start thanking him for the opportunities he has given us. My how things would be different.

It saddens my heart to know that close friends, even family of mine don't "get" this. That in the end I'm not sure if they have this relationship with their creator or instead have this moral compass which is deeply lacking something...

Alergens

I've had pretty bad allergies/asthma most of my life. As a kid i remember getting shots once a week for this. Then there was the "voodoo"Dr. as my mom calls him who gave us this natural remedy that you held under your tongue for a little while. That seemed to do the trick, and alas no more shots. It was a win win.

As i grew up my allergies seemed to ease up a bit, which was happy. During certain high allergy seasons I would just take some medicine and all was well. It was well at least while I was on my Dad's insurance which covered most every prescription. Now however my insurance doesn't cover prescriptions and last time i filled this particular one it cost me $125. BAH. Needless to say I use it as sparingly as possible, and often push the limits.

This weekend I pushed the limit. I knew it was warming up, trees were budding, grass is starting to grow. And to top it off, I was hanging out in some particularly smoky atmospheres this weekend. Needless to say I could hardly open my eyes this morning and when I did all they did was tear up and water. My head was pounding and overall I felt like i got hit by a train. I quickly popped some pills but it took me most of the morning and a good nap before I really feel like myself again.

None of this is particularly life threatening...more frustrating. I generally am a healthy person. I'm pretty good at making it through the winter without catching what everyone else's got. I know when to take the vitamin C in order to ward off infection. I haven't been to the Dr. in 2 years and even then it was for a trip i was going on...not because I was sick. And now as the winter finally starts warming up...I'm in bed sleeping off allergy symptoms. Grr.

I suppose I just feel like its something I cant control. I can do my part to not get sick, be healthy, etc. But when the Allergies attack...its all downhill.

terrible two's

Its quite ironic to me that all of MY plans for the next 6 months have, over the last month, fizzled out or moved to the back burner. Ironic? perhaps not so much. I cant help but feel frustrated, and upset as suddenly the opportunities that I didn't really want to be involved with are really the only realistic happenings left.
I hate when this happens, especially when my reaction to most of it is no better then the one a two year old has when she doesn't get her way. Though there is no physical tantrum involving high pitched screaming and flailing limbs... there is a bit of pouting, and in my head I really do want to stomp about until i get my way.
In the end, I'm not to sure what I'm more frustrated over the fact that I don't get to do what I want to do, or how foolish my response was.
Someday hopefully I'll mature from this stage.

rain.

It has been raining. A LOT. I generally like rain. Its refreshing, rejuvinating. Sort of washing away the old to make room for the new. I think its a good sign spring is on its way soon as well.

Lets hope Spring is on its way.

static and XM radio

There are some days that I think I'm really in tune with what God has going on.
Then...there are other days.

Today was an other day.
hmph.

I was sitting in my car at a stop light and the radio faded out, and went to that fuzzy static sound where you can only hear bits and pieces of the song you were just singing aloud to. And then it starts breaking into bits and pieces of a different song, or DJ talking. And then if you're lucky, you get all three at once; the song you were jamming to, the fuzzy static, and another station starting to come in....perhaps not so lucky.

I think sometimes my faith is like this. Like I'm really getting into the song God's got playing, and then enters the static. And I'm sitting there going WHAAAT. Sometimes I already know the song and can finish it out regardless of the static. Other times the static takes over, and then I get distracted by the "other voice" and it gets more and more difficult to decipher which song was the one you were actually listening to. These times are alot more frustrating.

So as I was sitting at the stop light and the radio started fading out I inched forward. From past experience I know that sometimes its just a matter of inching forward a bit to catch those radio waves a little better. Leaning in and listening a bit harder.

Today i inched forward and all i got was more static.

I hear XM radio is nice. No static, more stations, endless listening options.
I wonder if my faith will ever become like XM radio.

closed doors and open windows.

So far 2009 has been full of unexpecited opportunities. I spent most of January sifting through the endless sands of opportunity and thought I had it all figured out, only for something to change...and have to start all over again.

Its been an awkward stage in life. When I run into old friends or family and am faced with the question what are you up to these days? Its a tricky question to answer, and the answer today may be vastly different then the one you'd get tomorrow. I'm very much not wishing this chapter in life to come to a close, just noting its vast differences from the previous chapters.

And now as February comes to a close and I thought I finally was getting a handle on it all.... a whole new wave of possibilites comes in and I'm left to sort through them. As the tide goes out with all the possibilites not grasped, I have mixed emotions....and secretly hope some of them reappear down the road.

please dont stop the music

So I went to the Ash Wednesday service at church this week. And got Ash-ed.

I've never gotten ashes before, its just not something within the traditions of the church denomination I grew up in. It always used to seem odd to me. That along with giving up something for lent. I never really "got" it, nor really cared.

The last few years I find myself more inquisitive about church tradition. I had gone through this stage in life where I realized that religious tradition didn't matter, what truly mattered was a relationship with Jesus Christ. I still find this very, VERY true. However, I find myself appreciating tradition for what it is, and what its original intention was.

As a result of all this, my view of Lent has sort of evolved into this period of life within each year that I can sort of set aside, and look at things a little different, and really focus on the specifics of the cross.

SO I was at this Ash Wednesday service, which was put together a bit differently. Very traditional in structure with certain readings and prayers, sermonettes and communion (along with the ashes), but it was the worship that had a different tone or vibe then usual. The energy and enthusiasm was undeniable. After the last song it was requested that we do a couple more...and then a couple more....and then....it just kept going.

It was truly a beautiful moment where I was immediately surrounded by new friends, and the room was full of generations of Christians just in awe of our Creator. I love watching generations come together for one common purpose; especially in a church that has come so far by way of breaking from standard religious systems. It is truly beautiful to me to watch older couples in the church praising God together through modern worship music .


please don't stop the music.
just dance.

retreat.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside quiet waters, HE RESTORES MY SOUL. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the day s of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. ~Psalm 23



I spent last weekend retreating in the beutifuly scenic Holland, MI. A group from Catalyst, the 20something group at church hung out at this church camp, went skiing on saturday, and overall spent some time getting to know eachother and God in a fresh way.

Psalm 23 was the "key verse" for the weekend. Its a chapter that I've heard time and time again, have memorized and re-memorized...and yet hit me hard again this weekend.

I've spent a good amount of time in the past month or so trying to discern my life direction, and the critical steps that are going to need to be taken the next few months. These decisions and concerns have been so much at the forefront of my thoughts that I truely feel overwhelmed. In short I've truely felt "not myself" and overall exhaused and worn out. I've noticed myself taking a step back and realizing.....i'm so hungry myself I dont know if I can feed others, or pour into others. Its been difficult to say the least.

SO this weekend the small phrase....HE RESTORES MY SOUL...struck me hard. I was praying for something this weekend, and it was layed out quite obviously in the first hours of the retreat. Even now, that phrase is so comforting.

I got to reading it in the message, and it says it this way there. "True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction."

How beutiful that thought, and so true to how I feel. I need to catch my breath, and He will send me in the right direction.

en limbo.

Lately I've been finding myself at this awkward in limbo stage of life. The world truly is "my oyster" and while I'm feeling myself drawn to certain things, I'm also scared to let others fade into the distance. So in efforts to not let anything fall by the wayside....I'm juggling all the possibilities.

I'm not too sure how long this is going to last, and I'm pretty sure it has already out-lasted the length of time a normal person would be able to keep them all juggling. But alas...I'm still limbo-ing and juggling...

I need a serious kick in the rear, slap to the face, reality check.
I need to let the balls drop, and fall where they may.
I NEED some quiet time, silence, solitude, so forth and so on
.....which you cant do when you're limbo-ing up the town.


BAH

memorization

"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all thing were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all this fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross."

Colossians 1:15-20

spaghetti and....waffles.

There was this couple that came to our chapel once in college. They were the authors of this book called, "Men are like Waffles, Women are like spaghetti." The message was so good I dragged one of my guy-friends with to hear them again that night.

The point was and is, women's minds are like a spaghetti noodle. It just keeps going on and on. Whereas in real life one situation may not seem to correlate with another....they can, and do, in a women's mind. A guy's mind on the other hand is like a waffle. Several boxes of information, none of which intermingle...well, rarely do.

There have been several situations arise in the last few weeks where I was reminded of this model. Here I am in my frustration wondering why he doesn't understand that I'm frustrated...when he has absolutely no idea, cuz his mind is in another box. In my mind, everything relates back to the issue at hand. Thus digging me deeper in frustration.

I'm thankful for this specific chapel message.

Paca.

On my day off this week I had lunch with my grandparents. Shortly after lunch my grandma left for a bible study at church and so it left my grandpa and I to chat. I call my grandpa Paca. Its an old dutch word for grandpa. He doesnt even seem like a grandpa to me, he's a paca.

Shortly after my grandma's leaving, he motiond me to the cookie jars full of cookies my grandma had made recently. I walked over to take one and asked if he wanted any, and he said "Oh yeah, better just bring the jars over here." So I did. And there Paca and I sat, across the kitchen table, sneaking our hands into giant old pickle jar size cookie jars eating cookies and chatting away a cold winters day.

Moments like these are getting fewer and further between. When I was young I wanted nothing to do with these moments, dreading the lengthly history chats with Paca, hoping I would be able to sit still and be respectful long enough, thinking of a reason why I might need to leave in order to end the chat sooner rather then later. Now I fight for the time to go there.

I've realized as I've gotten older that there's something about these chat's that speaks deep into my soul, and soothes all aches or concerns life has tossed my way. We chatted about his time in Europe during the war, and what the Catholics are up to (He lives on the corner next to a fairly happenin Catholic church). He talked about a recent book he was reading and how it was challenging him. I told him about church and a new small group, work, and the recent book I finished. I layed out the potential for the next year of my life, and let him work his way though it. He told me how to look at the opportunites, and really look at them..pray, and really pray. And how to tell my parents about them when it came time, and how he'd help them understand.

All this while taking turns dipping into the cookie jar, and no one was around to stop us.

Paca is probably one of the wisest people I know. He takes every situation and learnes from it, and uses it when he comes across a simmilar situation. He stands up for whats right, even in the face of adversity. When he speaks, I listen, because I know its something well thought out, something true an right.

Someday I hope to have half the knowledge he has.


I must have eaten a dozen cookies that day, but it was a beutiful afternoon.

january recap

I often like to look back on a month, or season of time and reflect over what happened. The good. The bad. The ugly. Check for underlying themes, and see where I've grown.

Top 10 happenings of January. (in no particular order)

1. I got to spend a lovely 4 days with a beautiful friend and old roommate who now is a missionary in South Africa. We keep up fairly well over the time apart, but nothing beats quality face time. She wont be home again for two years, and I miss her greatly.

2. I let my heart get entangled. Fell again...and got back up.

3. My boss went on vacation. This means things are a little more crazy at the flower shop.

4. My grandma had knee surgery. I visited with her a couple of times, and realized....we need to hang out more.

5. My summer trip for this coming year was cancelled. Thus began the process of trying to figure out what God has up his sleeve.

6. Had a HUGE fight with the parentals, resulting in what i think may be a request for me to move out. I'm not really sure how I'm going to do this and pay my student loans.

7. Life bloomed with an over abundance of new possibilities.....teaching in Korea, spending part of the summer in Mexico, Moving....to name a few.

8. I finally bought a new computer. And had to send it in for warranty work. Oh the irony.

9. I'm finding myself getting more and more attached to the church I've been going to, and the people there. This makes me feel vulnerable. Vulnerability is scary.

10. I visited the great town of Goshen, IN. My true home away from home. Spent some quality time with some friends, pondered life's possibilities, and latest happenings.



So January has been a crazy month. Bi-polar really with its extreme highs and lows. As we move into February i hope things start to level out. But none the less, I love the roller coaster ride..

my struggle.

I've been mulling over the handful of possibilites that have been laid out before me in the last few weeks, trying to fit the pieces together....to no avail.

Everything surrounding me want me to "grow up" get the "real" job, move out, take on a few more financial responsibilities...live the American dream.

And yet i cant bring myself to it. I dont want to "settle down." Every part of "settle down" makes me want to run in the opposite direction. "Settle down"makes me think of blue-grey walls of a cubicle, more financial responsibility, stuffy dress clothes.

Bah. I dont want this life. I want a life full of adventure, wonder, risk.

In the words of Mike Yaconelli "I want a lifetime of Holy moments. Every day I want to be in dangerous proximity to Jesus. I long for a life that explodes with meaning and is fuled with adventure, wonder, risk, danger. I long for faith that is gloriously treacherous. I want to be with Jesus, not knowing whether to cry or laugh."

I just think it would be harder to have this life with the financial burden of a new car, rent payment, and within the confines of a cubical and stuffy dress clothes.

Nothing to wear...

I had the most frustrating morning.

I was getting ready for church, and I just couldn't find anything to wear. And I felt myself go into that mindset of bah, I don't HAVE anything to wear. I had to have tried on a bazillion things and i just was getting more and more frustrated.

I do in fact have LOTS of things to wear, as is now evident by the mess of rejected clothes options that are strewn about my room. I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into the mire of not "having" anything good enough to be worn.

It was the worst kind of frustrating because it was my own thoughts and actions that made it frustrating. No one was on my case or significantly annoying to me. It was all me.

So I walked away from the situation in order for it to avoid getting worse, and realized... I have PLENTY to wear...how dare I think I have nothing. I dont know what it means to have nothing...

the long way home.

I took the long way home from church today.
Close friends of mine would roll their eyes at that statement.

The mini adventure landed me up on this wooded road through a somewhat forest preserve-y area. The road hadn't been plowed since the latest snow storm, and I faded the morning worship mix on Shine.fm to soft background noise as the last street I turned off of faded in the rear view mirror and the road ahead seemingly dead-ended with a fierce curve to the left. The canopy of trees overhead allowing the glimmer of the sun trickle through. I rolled down the window a bit to catch the crisp cool air.

I allowed myself to get caught up there. To sit back, breathe deep, and let the moment wash over me. I noticed I had stopped in the middle of the road, but I didn't care. I sat there for a few moments in quiet conversation with the Lord. Mulling over the happenings of the last couple weeks. I shed a few tears and reminded myself dinner would be waiting when I got home.
I opted to turn around, unusual for me. Generally these adventures only go forward. Unless of course I've reached a dead end. As I was turning around in the middle of the road my eye caught on to the footprints in the snow, and I let my eye trace them briefly as they lead back into the woods.

I was only a bit down the road when I noticed it. I stopped, and caught my breath. A family of deer, feeding just a few feet into the woods. I watched them interact, as slowly one by one they noticed my presence. I considered for a moment getting out of the car and attempting to approach them, but quickly dismissed it remembering I was in "church attire" and that they were so peaceful there. It was truly beautiful.

I let myself get lost there once more. In the middle of the road. No one around but this family of deer. And then I continued home, where dinner was waiting.

***

For as long as I can remember having my drivers licence, I've had these sort of driving adventures. In retrospect it was probably my own piece of freedom in a very parental controlled life. Sometimes I would drive out of frustration, or out of rebellion, but mainly just out of the desire to get away, wind down, think things through. Much of my best "think time" has happened while driving somewhere. Many of my "crisis" moments were followed up by going for a drive. Sometimes I'd invite others in to this sacred time of mine, but mostly it was just me and God. There's something incredibly enjoyable to me in discovering new places, seeing new things, exploring uncharted territory (at least to me) and in taking the long way home.

Welcome to my "real" blog.

So i'm becomming an "adult." I'm not really sure what that means.
Apparently it involves starting a "real" blog (unlike the fake one I had before).
Welcome to my "real" blog.
Word.